The Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show
by Busty Sinclaire
Summary: An All school play with Snape as the lead? Good lord, what have i gone and done now? Chapter 20: Concerning naked men in parking lots.
1. The Old Man and the Play

This is my rather belated entry to my own challenge. I have strange ideas in the middle of the night, what can I say? Actually, this mad scheme is the brainchild of a particularly boring algebra lecture and an über- productive imagination. God Help us all.  
  
I own nothing but my socks. Wait, no. I liberated these from my sister's closet. Darn. I don't even own my socks. On with the show!  
  
The Rocky Hogwarts Picture Show  
  
Chapter One: The Old man and the Play  
  
The war was over, Voldemort was dead and Albus Dumbledore was hard pressed trying to find new and fresh ways to celebrate the momentous occasion. It had to be something new, something exciting and - most importantly - something everyone would hate with a fiery, fiery vengeance.  
  
"Ah-ha! I've got it!" Dumbledore shouted gleefully, and jumped out of his seat.  
  
All the staff and students turned to stare at him, as it was breakfast time and they were unaccustomed to the Headmaster suddenly shouting and jumping like a lunatic. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed him as he bolted from the room.  
  
"Oi, Harry?"  
  
"Yeah, Ron."  
  
"You think Dumbledore's finally lost it?"  
  
"Ron, the man's been wandering around without a map since before our parents were born. He's just been rather good at hiding it."  
  
"So, he's not crazy then?"  
  
"Ron?"  
  
"Yeah, Harry?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Meanwhile, in the Headmaster's study, the final plans for his grand scheme were taking shape.  
  
The headmaster beamed to himself, mumbling things under his breath, "It'll be brilliant! Absolutely Fabulous! And best of all, no one will ever be able to forget! Perfect!"  
  
Hogwarts was in for a rather nasty shock in the near future.  
  
The following morning at breakfast, the students watched the high table very closely. After yesterday's little display, they were all wondering if Dumbledore would do something equally, if not more, erratic. Several of the staff members caught the smug grin and rather crafty expression Albus wore and felt cold fear settle in their chests. Whatever mad plot He was planning, it could certainly not be good. So the suspense thickened and Dumbledore stood just as everyone was ready to scream with impatience. "I have a small announcement to make." Here he paused to savor the moment. Brilliant idea, he thought to himself, really. He stood there contemplating the ingenuousness of his grand plan for a full five minutes before he realized that he had yet to tell everyone what his plan was. "Erm.... Right then." He cleared his throat and someone yelled, "Just spit it out already!"  
  
"Well, then. My announcement is this. Two weeks from now, there will be auditions for Hogwart's first all school play." The students erupted in cheers. Several of the staff members gasped. Heedless to the interruptions, Dumbledore continued, "Everyone must audition, though only a few will have actual parts in the production. The play of choice will be announced tomorrow at dinnertime in order to give you all time to rehearse for your chosen roles. That is all."  
  
The students set about trying to decide if Dumbledore was completely insane or just bloody brilliant.  
  
"Imagine! A play! Hogwarts has never had an all-school play before!" The head girl could hardly contain her excitement.  
  
"There's probably a good reason for that, Hermione!" Ron looked positively green under his mop of red hair.  
  
"He's Mad! Completely bonkers!"  
  
"Oh, honestly Harry, Don't be so dramatic. It's just a play, after all."  
  
"Mione, this is Dumbledore we're talking about Do you really think it will be _just _a play'?"  
  
"I think the both of you are overreacting!"  
  
"Well the both of us think you're_ under_reacting!"  
  
"Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter! If you don't calm sown right now, I'll tell Professor Snape it was the both of you that put that dungbomb in Goyle's cauldron last week!"  
  
"You wouldn't!" Harry and Ron exclaimed, shocked at the prospect of Hermione ratting them out.  
  
"Try me!" Hermione glared at them and both boys gulped audibly.  
  
"Mione's right, Ron. We've got to calm down. After all, what's the worst that could happen?"  
  
"I suppose you're right, but I still got a bad feeling about this."  
  
Little did they know what supremely evil scheme was simmering merrily in Albus Dumbledore's crafty mind.  
  
End of Chapter One  
  
Aren't I just too cute for words? If anyone else is interested, here are the requirements for the challenge, although the challenge is officially over, I would still be delighted to see demented minds at work.  
  
Cast of characters must be as follows:  
  
Severus Snape as Dr. Frank N. Furter Hermione Granger as Janet Weiss Harry Potter as Brad Majors Ron Weasley as Riff-Raff Ginny Weasley as Magenta Cho Chang as Columbia Draco Malfoy as Rocky Horror Neville Longbottom as Eddie Albus Dumbledore as Dr. Scott Minerva McGonagle as the Criminologist Other characters are free to be cast as you see fit.  
  
At least 5 of the following must be used:  
  
1. Traipsing about like a magnificent poof!  
  
2. This coming from a guy in gold lamé hot pants  
  
3. Snape looks better in a dress than I do. Excuse me while I weep in a corner and mourn my utter lack of femininity.  
  
4. Good God man! You're ruining a perfectly good pair of stilettos!  
  
5. "Ladies and gentlemen, We have hit rock bottom"  
  
"Snape is to play the lead role"  
  
"Oh no, here is a lower place."  
  
6. Congratulations Albus, You have manages to find a completely new and Ingenious way of humiliating me utterly.  
  
7. "Snape in tights. Not as repulsive as i thought it would be."  
  
"i fear you"  
  
8. "A musical. Hmm, interesting."  
  
"Don't you mean horrible and degrading, professor?"  
  
"What? Oh yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it, damn it!"  
  
9. Sweet Merciful CRAP!  
  
10. French fries cause cancer. Next time you order a burger and fries, You're really asking for the French fries of DEATH!"  
  
11. Pope spelled backwards is e-pop.  
  
12. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.  
  
Be kind, Review. 


	2. Antici ...

Chapter Two: An-tici- ...   
...  
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
....  
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...   
...  
  
-Pation.

"A school Play, Albus? You can't be serious!" Minerva McGonagle was livid, glaring at the headmaster over the rim of her spectacles.  
  
"Oh, come now Minerva. It's not as bad as all that." Albus sat comfortable behind his desk, sucking away on a lemon drop. Wonderful things, lemon drops. Severus Snape pounded his fist on the headmaster's large oak desks, his thin black hair obscuring his face momentarily. "This is an outrage! You should have consulted us or, at the very least, given us some modicum of warning."  
  
"Really, Severus. What would be the fun in that?"  
  
"Severus is right. A school play is not something to be taken lightly." Minerva did her best to glare disapprovingly at her employer, but found her efforts were wasted.  
  
"I think it's a wonderful idea." He beamed at them and chose another lemon drop from his bag of sweets. Snape gave a derisive snort. "Yes well, you also thought hiring Gilderoy Lockhart was a good idea and need I remind you how that turned out?"  
  
"I think the both of you are overreacting just a bit. The play is a brilliant idea."  
  
"Albus, the last time you had a brilliant idea, we all spent several weeks trying to get glitter out of our-"  
  
"It wasn't as bad as all that" Dumbledore protested, turning red about the ears a bit."  
  
Minerva pinned him with an extremely severe gaze. "Yes, it was. It really was."

* * *

The next day, everyone waited tensely for Dumbledore's announcement. Students murmured quietly and not so quietly to each other and at the Slytherin table, Pansy Parkinson was flaunting her.... Er.... Charms. "Don't you think I'll get the lead role, Draco? I'm just made to be on the stage!"  
  
Overhearing her, Harry muttered to Ron. "The only stage she's meant to be on is one with a pole on it."  
  
Ron looked at him askance. "What's a pole going to be doing in the middle of a ruddy stage, then?"  
  
Harry sighed, "Honestly Ron, don't you know anything?"  
  
Ron's face turned several shaded of red and he opened his mouth, no doubt to say something having to do with Pansy Parkinson not being allowed on any stage, even ones with poles on them; and what the bloody blazes were poles doing in the middle of a stage to begin with anyway, when Dumbledore stood up.  
  
"I shall now announce the title of the play. It's not a play that is well known in the Wizarding world, but I believe you shall enjoy it nonetheless. Need I remind you that everyone, INCLUDING THE STAFF is to audition two weeks from today." A loud gasp escaped the students. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with an unholy mirth as he continued, "Doubtless you are all breathless with an-tici-" He paused and a silence like a jagged piece of blackboard being dragged across a thousand severed fingers reigned over the great hall. A hysterical fifth- year Hufflepuff yelled, "SAY IT!"  
  
"-Pation," Dumbledore finished. There was an audible collective sigh and a thud as more than one overwhelmed student fainted dead away.  
  
Hermione suddenly felt the cold chill of dread creep up her spine and her knees went weak. "Ron?"  
  
"Yeah Mione?"  
  
"You know how you and Harry said that this was going to be bad?"  
  
"Yeah?" Ron was starting to get nervous.  
  
"Well you were wrong."  
  
Ron breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, okay. That's good."  
  
"It's going to be worse."  
  
"Crikey!"  
  
"Mione?"  
  
"Yeah, Harry?"  
  
"I'm scared."  
  
She gripped his hand tightly. "Me too, Harry, Me too."  
  
At the High table, Dumbledore continued, " The play I have chosen is a musical, which means there will be song and dance numbers."  
  
Hermione began to pray very, very hard  
  
Dumbledore droned on. "It's called 'the Rocky Horror Picture Show."  
  
"No! God no! Is there no justice in this world?" Hermione fell sobbing to her knees and beat the floor with her fists. The few muggle-borns that knew what was going on joined her in her lament. Dean Thomas shouted, "Hey Trewlaney, I'd bet you didn't see that once coming!" Indeed, a visibly shaken Professor Trewlaney was comforting an openly sobbing Professor McGonagle. Professors Sprout and Sinistra were busy downing a hip flask of what appeared to be Old Ogden's. Professor Lupin was busily helping Flickwit back to his feet after the poor man had fallen out of his chair and Severus Snape had gone very pale indeed. Everyone in the great hall was suddenly very, very afraid.  
  
"Ron?"  
  
"Yeah, Harry?"  
  
"Hold me."  
  
"Geddof you sodding oaf!"

* * *

"Damn it, Man! Are you completely mad, or just senile?" Severus Snape paced the length of Dumbledore's study, livid with rage. Dumbledore smiled at him. "Calm yourself, Severus. This is nothing to lose your head over."  
  
"My head is not lost, old man, " he snarled. "But I'm beginning to think yours is!"  
  
Minerva interceded before the Potions master could fling himself bodily at the headmaster and throttle him soundly. "Albus, we are begging you to reconsider. It's not too late. You still have time to cancel this mad scheme."  
  
"I most certainly will not!" Dumbledore said indignantly. "This play will continue as planned and no one is going to stop it!" He stormed out, leaving behind two suddenly weary professors in his wake. A moment later, he returned. "Why should I leave?" He announced, "This is my office." Severus and Minerva glanced at each other before making a hasty retreat. Just as they had reached the doors of Dumbledore's study, his voiced boomed out, "And I expect to see the both of you at the auditions!"  
  
No one was safe.  
  
End of Chapter 2

* * *

A bit short but there's more to come. Singing! Dancing! Transvestites! There's a small quote from Neil Gaiman's wonderful novel Neverwhere. The bit about the jagged piece of blackboard and the severed fingers. Neil Gaiman rocks my socks. And there's an obscure reference to Dogma in there as well, though you'll only get that if you've watched the collector's edition, because I lifted it from one of the outtakes with Jason Lee in it. Be kind, review. 


	3. How Ginny got her Groove On

Yay! My Backup disk is working. I now present to you...Chapter three! I'm a genius!  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Three: How Ginny got her Groove on  
  
  
  
"So tell me again what happened." Sirius called over his shoulder to Harry while he straightened out the papers he was grading. Since the fall of Voldemort, He had been made the new DADA teacher, much to the chagrin of a certain greasy haired potion master. Ron burst out, "Dumbleore's gone absolutely mad! He's-"  
  
"-Just started shouting in the middle of breakfast and then-"Hermione began  
  
"-Took off running!" Harry exclaimed  
  
"Honsetly, the old bastard's lost it!" Ron said.  
  
"Ron!" a shocked Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Well he has," he protested. Sirius stood back and watched them debate the isssue. It was like watching a particularly complex tennis match. "Dumbledore's parent's were firmly married when he was conceived, Ron." Sirius said absently. "That's more than a bit besides the point right now, Ron." Hermione noted disdainfully. "Anyway, the next day he announces to us that there's to be-"  
  
"A play! A bloody play!" Ron exclaimed, waving his arms wildly. Sirius took a cautious step back. No telling what the boy might do next. Hermione, incensed, cried indignantly "Ronald Weasley! Who is telling this story, you or I?" Sirius chuckled. "Actually neither of you is. I asked Harry to tell me. Honestly, I'm gone for only one week and I come back to find this place in an uproar. I should go away more." Shaking his haid, he gave his godson's hair an affectionate ruffle. "And then what happened?" "Well, Dumbledore said the play was to be a musical." Harry stated. "A musical Eh. Hmm. Interesting." Three pairs of eyes looked at him askance. "Don't you mean horrible and degrading professor?" Hermione asked. "What? Oh, yes, of course. Horrible thing. Must put a stop to it, damn it!" With that, Sirius quit the room, muttering to himself and trying desperately to keep the huge grin off his face. Ron wondered out loud, "Why did that not seem particularly convincing?"  
  
"Because it wasn't, you git."  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
  
The next two weeks flew by with surprising alacrity much to the dismay of just about everyone with the notable exception of one Sirius Black. The Trio of Doom, as they now called themselves, were desperately trying to come up with ways of getting out of auditioning for the play. Actually, Ron and Harry were. Hermione was secretly working with Ginny on the perfect audition piece, one that was sure to land her the lead role. "Tell my again why we're doing this?" Ginny queried while going through possible audition songs for Hermione to sing. "Because I'm tired of being the conservative one, Gin. I want to do something wild for once."  
  
"And this play is going to help how?"  
  
"Honestly, haven't you read the script."  
  
"No, not exactly."  
  
"The lead male role is that of a flamingly Gay mad scientist alien who creates the perfect man, and the lead female spends half the play in her knickers."  
  
"Just her knickers?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Hmm.Are there any parts for sultry redheads?"  
  
"It depends. Which would you rather be: the sullen, gothic French maid or a tap-dancing airhead groupie?"  
  
"The maid! Definitely the maid"  
  
"Then I have just the part for you. Although I don't think Ron will like this at all."  
  
"Will Harry like it?"  
  
Hermione smiled evilly. "I'm sure he will, Gin. I'm sure he will."  
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
  
Auditions week came and the entire school gathered in the great hall to see what Hogwart's finest had to offer in the way of actors. There were some purely abysmal performances. (a group of third year Hufflepuffs not-so- well-rehearsed dance routine to some overrated muggle pop star with a whinny voice {are you reading this, Brittany}) to the truly inspired. (Two fourth year Slytherins performing Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First") As the auditions went in order by year and then by house, the Trio of Doom had to wait until almost everyone else had gone first.  
  
"Ginny's up next, Ron."  
  
"Is she?"  
  
"Mione, what exactly is Ginny going to do? I've been asking her about it all week and she won't tell me."  
  
"You'll see."  
  
Seeing the smug smile on Hermione's face, Harry suddenly wasn't so sure he wanted to know.  
  
"Virginia Weasley," Professor McGonagle called out.  
  
"I'm ready!" Came the muffled reply from somewhere behind the magically suspended curtain in front of the makeshift stage. Silence fell followed quickly by the sound of female moaning. Followed quickly by slow, pulsing drum beat and seductive guitars. Ginny's disembodied voice filled the hall, "I/I would die for you, I would die for you. I've been dying just to fell you by my side.../I" Ginny appeared center stage, resplendent in black leather and thigh high boots. "I/.to know you're mine. /I" Harry and Ron's mouths simultaneously dropped open in shock and Hermione smiled broadly. Everything was going as planned. Ginny made her way across the stage crooning softly, "I/I will cry for you. I will cry for you. I will wash away your pain with all my tears and drown your fears./I" she rubbed up against a shocked Sirius and Ron made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, his face turning all sorts of reds.  
  
"Mione?"  
  
"Yeah, Harry?"  
  
"Do we have you to thank for this?"  
  
"Well, I did give her the song."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Ginny turned and started heading in their direction and Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
"I will burn for you feel pain for you. I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart and tear it apart" Ginny looked right at Harry when she sang, moving her hips hypnotically. She dropped to her knees and started crawling towards him like a cat. Harry was entranced. "I/I will lie for you, Beg and steal for you I will crawl on hands and knees until you see that you're just like me./I" She was between his legs now and was slowly feeling her way up from his ankles. Ron's face had gone an interesting shade of purple. "I/Violate all the love that I'm missing/I" she was straddling him now, and tangling her fingers in his hair. "I/Throw away all the pain that I'm living./I" Ron had to be bodily restrained by Seamus and Dean before he could throttle Harry. Ginny suddenly tightened her grip on Harry's Hair and yanked his face up. "I/You will believe in me/I" She stood above him and brushed her bloodred lips against his. "I/ And I can never be ignored./I" With that, she released his and went on to torture someone else.  
  
I/I would die for you, I would kill for you I would steal for you, I'd do time for you /I  
  
Draco and Neville got the same treatment as Sirius and nearly fell over each other trying to run away when Ron escaped from his captors.  
  
I/I will wait for you, I'd make room for you I'd sink ships for you, Take the cross to you /I  
  
An un-amused Professor Snape was the recipient of Ginny's next attentions. He stood stonily while Ginny all but took her top off in front of him.  
  
"I/To be part of you, Cause I believe in you I believe in you. I would die for you /I"  
  
The song ended and Ginny retreated behind the curtain to thunderous applause from the whole male population, excluding Snape. She emerged a moment later with a large blanket covering her small frame and a very angry Ron Weasley firmly clamped onto her arm muttering obscenities and threatening castration to any male who so happened to glance at Ginny. Ginny looked as if she found the whole thing entirely amusing. Amidst catcalls and whistles, Professor McGonagle called out, "Draco Malfoy"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Are you ready, Mister Malfoy?"  
  
"As ready as I'll ever be."  
  
"You may proceed, Mr. Malfoy."  
  
Draco stood in the middle of the stage, waiting for his music to come on. There was a crackling noise and then a loud voice boomed out, "I like big butts and I cannot lie!" Draco immediately started dancing and tore off his tie, waving it wildly over his head. "You other brothers can't deny, " His shirt came next, and girls scrambled to the front of the stage eager to get a peek. "When a girl walks in." Draco's hands moved to the zipper of his pants and several girls swooned. "...With an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get-" the music was abruptly cut off and Draco looked around in confusion, his pants halfway down. An angry professor McGonagle stormed onto the stage. "This is outside enough, Mister Malfoy! Your behavior has been atrocious at best. I cannot believe you would even consider doing such a thing and in front of so many young, impressionable minds! I have half a mind to relieve you of your duties as head boy." Albus chuckled and motioned for silence. "I believe our young Mister Malfoy is suitably sorry for his actions, Minerva. I will see to it that he is dully reprimanded." Professor McGonagle scowled at Dumbledore, but flounced offstage, dragging a protesting Draco behind her by the ear. Hermione muttered to a now-decently-clad Ginny, "she's just miffed because Millicent Bulstrode was blocking her view, the fat cow." Ginny giggled. The girl's waited patiently through the auditions of the Seventh year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, all of which were mediocre, with the notable exception of Cho Chang's Tap routine to the tune of Billy Idol's 'White Wedding.' Neville followed, performing a remarkable rendition of Elvis's 'A little Less Conversation,' complete with pelvic thrusts. Ron was next. His lively version of Guns 'n Roses 'Welcome to the Jungle' earned him applause and a standing ovation. As he was dragged offstage by an impatient professor McGonagle he called out, "Thank you! I'll be here all week!" " Harry Potter" professor McGonagle called out. Harry was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a loud yell was heard and Harry was levitated onto the stage. As soon as he landed, he was off running, but Dumbledore petrified him on the spot. Smiling, the old wizard pointed his wand at harry and said very clearly, "I/cantatio et saltatus./" Harry immediately burst out singing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" and did a jig. After about five minutes and a particularly flat rendition of Sinatra's 'Strangers in the Night" Dumbledore released Harry from the charm and Harry took off like a shot out the doors. Ginny laughed with mirth. "That was about the most pathetic thing I've ever seen!" Snape muttered, "Ladies, and gentlemen, the almighty savior of the world, Harry Potter." At last, there was only one name left on the list. "Hermione Granger"  
  
"Ready"  
  
"You may proceed, Ms. Granger."  
  
Whispered giggles and mutters. "Bet that bookworm couldn't sing if her life depended on it"  
  
"she'll make a complete fool of herself."  
  
".should just stick to the library."  
  
".should be vastly amusing."  
  
".Hell will freeze over before she shows any kind of talent."  
  
There was an old-fashioned Muggle microphone And Hermione Walked slowly to it. Another collective gasp was heard. Hermione looked stunning in a simple royal blue satin gown that hugged her curves and exposed her creamy white shoulders. Black opera gloves covered her arms and there was a simple pearl necklace around her neck. Her hair was swept up in a sedate French twist with a Few loose strands framing her perfectly made-up face. She smiled winningly at the crowd and opened perfect red lips to sing. And in another plane of existence not very far from our own, The Angel once known as Lucifer Morningstar was suddenly very cold indeed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Aren't I just Evil? Chapter four out soon and thank you to the wonderful person who posted the link to the lyrics. I thank you and love you forever. And for those of you who are not familiar with 'The Rock Horror Picture Show', here is a brief (kind of) history of Rocky:  
  
Sometime in the seventies ( I think) some really cool british guy wrote a play about gay, cross-dressing mad scientists who creates the perfect man, and an ordinary couple who stumble into his castle. Fun and mayhem ensues and there are wonderful song numbers. (Let's do the time warp again!) It was made into a movie starring Susan Sarandon, Barry Boswick and Tim curry. It's rather pointless but it's awesome! If you are interested in seeing this movie, I suggest looking in your local theatres for a midnight showing. Midnight showing is basically an excuse to act like freaks. People go at midnight to watch this movie dressed up as characters in the movie. At the theatre I go to, they sell prop bags which have different things to throw at the screen during different points of the movie. For example, during the opening scene, The two main characters are at a wedding and everyone is throwing rice. So they give you a little bit of rice to throw as well. The key words here are AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION! There are also things you yell at the movie. For example, at The Angelika (which is my particular venue) just before the movie starts, we do the Rocky Chant. This is how it goes: "Start the Fucking Flick! Start the Fucking Flick! Forget the Flick! Start Fucking! Forget the flick! Start Fucking! I thought she was thirteen! I thought she was thirteen! I thought she was thirteen! I love pie! I love pie! I love pie!"  
  
Don't ask.  
  
I highly recommend the Midnight Showing to everyone in search of a great time. If you have never been to a Rocky Horror Midnight Showing then for the love of God, don't tell anyone at the Theatre that! (Unless, of course, you want to be humiliated utterly o_0)  
  
Be kind, review. 


	4. Let Me Entertain You

If truth is stranger than fiction, then where are the flying monkeys?  
  
  
  
I own nothing. Not Rocky, not the song, not the potterverse, and not Snape, damn it all to hell.  
  
  
  
Chapter Four: Let Me Entertain you  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Let me entertain you  
  
A rather wicked curve to her picture perfect pouty red lips here as she caressed the microphone slowly. A Soft, husky voice like wine and sin filled the Great Hall. Satin clad hips slowly swung in time to the music and Lilly white breasts swelled out enticingly out from the tight bodice. This was certainly a bit more than merely entertaining.  
  
Let me make you smile  
  
Several boys were already smiling as Hermione unclasped her necklace slowly, letting it trail down into her bodice before she threw it at the crowd. It landed at the feet of Professor Snape who picked it up and studied it thoughtfully.  
  
Let me do a few tricks  
  
A raunchy call from a sixth year slithering boy followed. "I've got a trick for you right here, baby," was silenced by a glare from Snape. "You will respect the lady or you will answer to me," was all he needed to say and the boy's mouth puckered shut tighter than a snare drum  
  
Some old and then some new tricks  
  
She peeled off a glove agonizingly slow and threw it into the awaiting throng. A Hufflepuff boy nearly fainted in ecstasy when it landed on his head. Several nearby Ravenclaws looked on with jealousy.  
  
"There's a new trick for you. Never thought I'd see Mione do that." Ron gulped. Harry nodded in enthusiastic agreement. Ginny tweaked his hair playfully. "And who said you were allowed to look, Potter?" She spoke in a mock stern voice and Harry gulped. Hermione had created a monster. An incredibly sexy monster, but a monster nonetheless.  
  
I'm very.. versatile  
  
"Apparently" chuckled Dumbledore. A shocked looking McGonagle stared at her favorite student in a rather amusing mix of horror and amazement. Since when had quiet, biddable, studious Hermione known had to do a strip- tease? Another glove followed and there was a sudden rush of male bodies to claim it as a trophy. A mad struggle ensued. No one came out unharmed. Hermione climbed down off the stage and patted a few boys on the head and stopped in front of professor Snape. She extended her hand, inviting him to dance. He inclined his head, accepting her invitation.  
  
And if you're real good I'll make you feel good I'd want your spirit to climb  
  
She crooned into Snape's ear, secretly enjoying the feel of her professor's strong lean, body against her own, never mind that there were yards and yards of black fabric between them. Lords, the man smelled good.  
  
So let me entertain you We'll have a real good time Yes sir! We'll have... A real good time!  
  
They danced around a bit more, Hermione still singing in that honey silk tone that was driving every boy in hearing radius happily insane, her arms around Snape's neck before they stopped. Snape took her hand and kissed her knuckles gently and lingeringly before releasing it. She climbed slowly onto the stage pausing here and there to tease an enthralled admirer. Catcalls and whistles nearly drowned out her voice. Several boys standing on chairs trying to get a better look at her toppled off their precarious perches due to leaning too far over and forgetting that they were standing on chairs to begin with. Hermione stood at the microphone, crooning into it, carressing it as she would a lover, her hips moving to the music.  
  
And if you're real good I'll make you feel good I want your spirit to climb  
  
Hermione shimmied around, running her hands down her body suggestively and Ron muttered something about making something else climb instead.  
  
Let me entertain you And well have a real good time, yes, sir! We'll have...  
  
There was a dramatic pause and Hermione clasped her hands to her heaving buxom. Singing and dancing was a breathtaking exercise, mind you.  
  
A real good time!  
  
After singing the last, triumphant note, Hermione conjured a mink wrap around her shoulders and held up her Bodice. She had taken the damned thing off without anyone noticing! Head held high, mink stole around her shoulders and covering up her improper bits, Hermione turned her now bare back to the audience and walked offstage. She looked like a queen. A half- naked, out of breath queen, but a queen nonetheless.  
  
*****  
  
Hermione quickly changed back into her regular school clothes, hoping to make a quick exit before her newfound public discovered her whereabouts and demanded an encore. Honestly, you took off a pair of gloves in front of some people and suddenly hormones take over. Really now, it wasn't all that sexual. They just thought it was. Ok, so maybe she had made them think that, but that was beside the point.  
  
"That was an.inspired performance, Ms. Granger. I believe that was the most chaste strip tease I have ever had the dubious pleasure of witnessing." A sardonic voice said silkily behind her  
  
She blushed scarlet from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes. Not to be daunted, she raised her head and smiled at him with still-red, still perfectly breathtaking lips. "Thank you, Professor Snape. I'm glad you found it so.entertaining."  
  
"Oh, I did Miss Granger. I truly did. I find it hard to believe you could be so.err.charming." He said. His tone suggested that he found her to be something more than charming.  
  
"I'm sure you found it very.hard indeed, sir." Double entendres could be very amusing weapons when in the proper hands. And those hands just happened to be Hermione's. And Snape's of course.  
  
"You have no idea." Wasn't sarcasm just the greatest invention ever? Besides socks, of course. Socks and Sarcasm. The twin forces that make the world go around. Or was that puppies?  
  
"You could give me an idea, sir." Hermione hadn't really meant to say that. But damn it, she had said it anyway. Shut up mouth or I'll stab you with a toothbrush! He raised an eyebrow at her and she gulped. Didn't the man have any idea how good he smelled? And he danced divinely, and his hair really wasn't so greasy, come to think of it.Now was NOT the time! Bad Girl! Down! Down, I say! Maybe that was taking things a bit too far. But he had smelled so nice when they had danced and he really was quite muscular, under all that fabric.  
  
"You wouldn't know what to do with that idea if it bit you on the arse, girl." Snape's voice was amused and thoroughly condescending. Hermione took a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a pound.  
  
"You could always teach me what to do with that.idea.sir." Ok, that was definitely taking things too far. She looked up at him through thick lashed, trying to look as innocent as possible. It worked. Snape threw back his head and laughed.  
  
Sensing that this conversation could suddenly turn into something both highly improper and highly enticing, Professor Snape wisely changed the subject. "You had better run for it if you want to escape your fan club. If that deafening roar I hear is them, then you have about twenty seconds before they mob you." Snape checked around the corner. "Yes. It is indeed them. Hmm. Goyle's winning."  
  
Hermione yelped and made a mad dash for the large doors, hoping to reach the safety of her rooms before the Mad admirers caught up with her. Snape chuckled quietly as he witnessed her sudden, ungraceful departure.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I love subtle sex scenarios and the literary locution of alliteration. I also have a thing for the way guys smell. I'm sorry, but I like the way most guys smell. It's all musky and great and I love it. All my guy friends have really great scents and every time I see them I just sniff them. It's really funny because after a while, they get tired of me sniffing their neck and they try to get rid of me, and I grab on like a leech. Most of my guy friends are gay. Maybe that's why they smell so good. Next chapter: TEACHER AUDITIONS!  
  
Aren't I evil?  
  
Be kind, Review.  
  
  
  
P.S. Sorry this chapter was so short, but I just thought hat was the perfect way to end it and I couldn't really make a smooth transition into the next scene I had in mind. And anyway, I just had to put it out there for everyone to read. Thank you to all the wonderful reviewers. You are so awesome.  
  
Über special thanks go to SilentG, without whom this chapter would not have been possible. SilentG, You rock my socks. All of them. In their entirety. Even the cool green racer stripe ones. (SilentG provided me with a link to the lyrics, in case you were wondering.)  
  
Thank you and enjoy the show. o_0 


	5. Anarchy in the UK, or at Hogwarts at lea...

I was going to wait until Tuesday to upload this, seeing as I just uploaded chapter four about twenty minutes ago, but I just had to put it up sooner because I love this chapter and I want all of you to review. So here it is, chapter FIVE! Go me! By the way, if anyone is looking for a good movie to watch, then I thoroughly recommend renting 'Lock, Stock, And Two smoking Barrels." Guy Ritchie is hella cool. His movie "Snatch" is also really really worth watching. And Brad Pitt is so funny in that and he's IRISH!  
  
  
  
I own nothing. Except my over productive imagination which is currently being stolen by insane penguins dressed in blue heels.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter five: Anarchy in the U.K. (or at Hogwart's, at least)  
  
  
  
  
  
"Remus Lupin"  
  
"Here."  
  
"You're Next, Remus."  
  
A distinctly green Remus gulped. "Yeah, I need a minute."  
  
Five minutes passed before Snape finally snapped, "Well don't just stand there, man! Get on with it!"  
  
Remus nervously walked in front of the curtain to the center of the stage, a red electric guitar in hand.  
  
"How's that thing going to work? It's not even hooked up to an amp or anything," Hermione Mused.  
  
Ron grinned. "Thought you knew everything, Mione. It's magic, of course. And what's an amp?"  
  
Hopeless, that boy was sometimes. Remus nervously tested the microphone and played a few shaky chords on the guitar. The screech of feedback filled the Great Hall. There was a loud slapping sound as several pairs of hands clapped over their ears simultaneously. Remus made some adjustments muttering, "Can I.ok. One, two, three, four!" Remus started strumming away and the curtain went up to reveal Sirius black playing a drum kit and Albus Dumbledore on bass guitar. "Well she was just seventeen, if you know what I mean and the way she looked was way beyond compa-are. So how could I dance with another when I saw her standing there?" Remus sang surprisingly well, giving the old Beatles tune an interesting punk-rock twist. " Well she looked at me and I, I could see that before too long I'd fall in love with her"  
  
Hermione Suddenly grinned and grabbed Ginny's arm. "Come on. I'll show you how to mosh."  
  
"She wouldn't dance with another when I saw her standing there. Well my heart went boom when I crossed that room and held her hand in mine! Well we danced through the night and we held each other tight and before too long I fell in love with her."  
  
So it was that the Trio of Doom learned to mosh. Several people caught an, and before long, moshing had replaced stripping as the new favorite pastime of the Students of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. There was much to be said for the methods of education  
  
"Now I'll never dance with another, whoa, since I saw her standing there. Well my heart went boom when I crossed that room and held her hand in mine"  
  
Tired of being elbowed in the chest by overzealous moshers, Hermione made her way out of the small group in front of the stage only to run into the (very) solid form of Professor Snape, who had made his way over to supervise the enthusiastic moshers. She reeled backwards and Snape's hands automatically clamped onto her arms to steady her.  
  
"Oh we danced through the night and we held each other tight and before too long I fell in love with her. Now I'll never dance with another whoa since I saw her standing there. Since I saw her standing there."  
  
Sirius abruptly began to beat a new, more rapid beat on the snare drum and Dumbledore launched into a sliding bass line. Struck a few harsh chords and started singing once more. "Daddy I know you're going to be upset, cause I was always your little girl. I may be young at heart, but I know what I'm saying."  
  
Hermione began to laugh. Leave it to Remus to sing a song about teenage Pregnancy! Shaking off Snape's hands, she bounded back into the pit with renewed energy. This was too good to miss. "You always taught me right from wrong. I need your help daddy, please be strong. What I need right now is some good advice. The one you warned me all about, the one you said I could do without, we're in an awful mess and I don't mean maybe. Papa, don't preach! I've been losing sleep. Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep. But I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby!"  
  
Hermione made another mad dash for her chair. Definitely no more moshing for this little girl. She'd suffered quite enough, thank you very much. Remus had launched into "Come on, Eileen." Hmm.there's an interesting choice.  
  
"Come on, Eileen, too-loo-ra-ay, Come on Eileen too-loo-ra-ay, too-loo-ra- too-loo-ra-ay." Dumbledore, singing backup vocals picked up the speed as Sirius beat the drums more insistently.  
  
The music changed suddenly to something less insistent and slower. Remus, looking like a punk rock god, guitar slung low, began to sing yet another song. "A star up in the sky is slowly passing by the lights below they spell out your name."  
  
A hand appeared in front of her. It was Snape. He was asking her to dance. Well, here went nothing.  
  
"With comfort on my mind of you with me all the time with lots of feelings that I can't explain. I won't spend another night alone, oh I won't spend another night alone!"  
  
They waltzed. Hermione didn't think it was possible to waltz to a punk song, but apparently you could.  
  
"Out of every girl I meet, no other can compete. I'd ditch them all for a night with you. I know don't believe you mean this much to me but I promise you that you do!" Hermione pressed her body minutely closer to Snape's. The man really did smell great. He smelled like rosemary and lemongrass, with the bitter, underlying odor of wormwood, plus something darker, muskier and infinitely attractive. Why is it that men always smelled so good? She was sure she smelled horrible. She had just spent time in a particularly rowdy mosh pit, after all.  
  
"If I had one wish this is what it would be, I'd ask you to spend all your time with me! We'd be together forever."  
  
Snape noticed her shift towards him, but said nothing. He could smell her better now. She smelled divine. Like Jasmine and tangy oranges and Green tea. The earthy scent of her sweat was added to the mixture and suddenly Snape wasn't so pleased she had decided to get closer to him.  
  
"We'd buy a small house in south central L.A. We'd raise lots of kids and we'd both join a gang just as long as we're together. The things you make me want to do I 'd rob the quickie mart for you. I'd go to the pound and let all the cats go free just as long as you'd be with me."  
  
People were stopping to stare at them and Hermione felt suddenly self- conscious.  
  
" I won't spend another night alone"  
  
Snape stopped dancing and bowed to her. She curtsied in reply and he turned on his heels and walked away.  
  
"I won't spend another night alone."  
  
*****  
  
"Sirius Black."  
  
"Here"  
  
"You may proceed."  
  
The curtains rustled.  
  
"Harry, I'm scared."  
  
"Me too, Ron."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Yeah Ron?"  
  
"Hold me."  
  
Ron launched himself in Harry's lap. An incensed Ginny shouted, "Get off my Cool-Aid, motherfucker!"  
  
Hermione just sat back and took it all in. She could calm them down, but really, what was the fun in that? There was a sudden loud blast of music and cheery synthesizer music was presently heard.  
  
"I come home in the morning light. My mother says 'When you gonna live your life right?' oh mommy dear we're not the fortunate ones and girls they wanna have fun. Oh girls just wanna have fun "  
  
Sirius appeared center stage in full Drag mode, pantyhose and all. One thing was clearly apparent. While Sirius black was an undeniably handsome man, he made an undeniably ugly woman.  
  
"The phone rings in the muddle of the night my father yells what you gonna do with your life oh daddy dear you know you're still number one but girls they wanna have on girls just wanna have fun"  
  
Ginny and Hermione cracked up laughing as Sirius wobbled about the stage in five inch spiked heels, a vinyl minidress and a hella ugly blue wig. Harry just stared. Ron had thrown himself screaming, "I'm blind! Oh god! I'm blind!"  
  
"That's all they really want is to have fun! When the work and day is done oh girls just wanna have fun oh girls just wanna have fun"  
  
Sirius continued to wobble about, singing in a high falsetto, oblivious to everything.  
  
"Somebody take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the world I wanna be the one to walk in the sun oh and girls they wan-"  
  
The music was cut off abruptly and a scattered applause was heard as a very angry Professor Snape stalked onstage. "Good gods, Man! You are ruining a perfectly good pair of stilettos!"  
  
"Excuse Me! I was in the middle of an audition!"  
  
There were snickers and laughter from the peanut gallery.  
  
"That was the worst damned audition I have ever seen in my life. If you want to continue traipsing about like a magnificent poof, then do so on your own time because nobody here wants to see it!"  
  
Cheers and clapping followed Snape's little speech and Sirius was very angry.  
  
"Oh, and don't I suppose a manky git such as yourself could do any better?"  
  
Snape suddenly stood taller. A collective gasp was heard from the student body. McGonagle and Dumbledore stood nearby, ready to separate the two men if things got ugly. (It could be said that one merely had to look at Sirius to say that things were already pretty damned ugly) The glove had been thrown. The challenge was issued. If Snape declined it he would be thought a coward or worse. Black had called him out, and he would answer in kind. It was time to go to the mattresses.  
  
"Give me those blasted shoes and I'll show you how it's done."  
  
Ladies and Gentlemen, let the Games Begin  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything in parenthesis can(not) be ignored. I have this thing for dramatic cliffhangers recently. There's a line stolen from a Kevin Smith movie somewhere in this chapter. I'll give you a hint as to which movie it was. "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Ok, that wasn't a hint, but there you go. Twenty Points and some chocolate frogs to the person who finds it. I suppose I should list the songs I used. Well, here they are.  
  
Remus performs four songs. The first being "I Saw Her Standing there" by the Beatles. The second song was Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" although I was thinking of the Kelly Osbourn Version when I wrote this. The third song was "Come On, Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners. (You know you are going to go out and listen to that song right now because it's just that awesome and aren't I just great for putting an eighties song in there?) The last song was "I Won't Spend Another Night Alone" by the Ataris. They're a really great punk band and I love them. Sirius performed to Cyndi Lauper's immortal song "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun" and that's about it. Thank you and enjoy the show. o_0 Glory to the Eighties!  
  
Be Kind, Review 


	6. Crazy

I actually didn't have any idea where I was going with this chapter. It was written in various classrooms on various days while I was bored with the various topics my professors were lecturing on. I think it sucks, but here it is anyway.  
  
Transvestives are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary  
  
Chapter Six: Crazy  
  
  
  
"He's not going to go through with it."  
  
"Yeah he is."  
  
"Isn't"  
  
"Is!"  
  
Harry and Ron continued to argue back and forth for a full five minutes before Ginny had finally had enough. "Will you two shut up! Of course he'll go through with it."  
  
"Oi! And how do you know that?"  
  
"Because I know Snape"  
  
"Ha! As if anyone could really know that greasy old bastard!"  
  
"Contrary to popular belief, Mr. Weasley, my parents were happily wed when I was conceived, now shut your sodding trap before I disembowel you and feed your entrails to the cat."  
  
Ron paled visibly. "Yes, sir."  
  
Snape smiled a very wicked, wicked smile. "Good. Miss Granger?"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"I will be needing your assistance backstage momentarily to help me. . . prepare."  
  
Help Snape put make-up on?! "Of ourse, sir."  
  
"I thank you for any assistance you will ba able to provide. You were saying, Miss Weasley?"  
  
Not one to be easily daunted, Ginny launched into her explanation. "Well, there's two things everyone knows about you sir."  
  
A sardonic smile. "And those two things are?"  
  
"Well, first off you're stubborn as all hell." Ah, the Weasley subtlety clearly was not lost on its youngest offspring.  
  
"Charmingly put." His voice was so dripping in sarcasm that they would need five mops to clean it all up.  
  
"And you hate Sirius black with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. Therefore, if he challenged you to do anything, no matter what it was, you would rise to the occasion because a) you hate him with the aforementioned passion and b) you're stubborn as all hell."  
  
"Again, charmingly put. A wise deduction, Miss Weasley. Twenty points to Gryffindor for your intuition."  
  
"Cripes!" A delighted outburst from Ginny. From Harry and ron, it was an outburst of pure shock.  
  
"And thirty points from Gryffindor for presuming too much." Delivered with an unholy glint in his evil eye and amusement and glee in his tone,  
  
"You Manky Git!" An outraged outburst from the Trio of Doom.  
  
"So I'm told. Good day." Snape turned and walked away as stealthily as he had approached him. Damn, the man was smooth.  
  
*****  
  
Hermione walked backstage to see snape packing back and forth in a moat agitated matter and muterrring increasingly inventive curses.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
he turned abruptly, relief evident in his features. "Oh thank god. A female."  
  
"is there a problem sir?"  
  
"Well, yes." He shifted uncomfortably in place. "you see. . .Damn it! I haven't a thing to wear!"  
  
Hermione burst out laughing.  
  
*****  
  
Ten minutes later, Hermione's now famous blue dress had been charmed to fit Professor Snape, with a few small adjustments. There was now a slit running down the right side, starting high up on Snape's thigh. The dress' color had also been changed to a pure, even black. The bodice had been charmed to give the appearance of gentle curves, instead of the solid angular lines that were the reality of Snape's body. Snape's hair had been curled outwards and the results were surprisingly attractive. The curls softened the angles of his face and made him look twenty years younger, for some strange unknown reason. His eyes had been heavily lined with black kohl that had then been followed by a generous layer of black eyeshadow and silver glitter which had softened his face even more. It was hard to look dark and foreboding when your face was covered in shiny crap, after all.  
  
"Are you sure you really want to go through with this, Sir?" Hermione's voice was laden with doubt, and for obvious reasons.  
  
"Of course I do, Granger. Do you really think I am going to let Black make an ass of me?" The deep, masculine voice, coming from the bodice-clad body on front of her was more than a bit amusing.  
  
"It seems as if you're doing a fine job of that on your own, sir." She had to say that. It was too good an opportunity to pass up.  
  
"You just shut up and put that mascara on me without putting my eye out." He sounded rather annoyed.  
  
"Yes sir." Meek now.  
  
"And does this lipstick look too pink on me?" He sounded charmingly insecure.  
  
"No sir. It looks wonderful." It did, it really did. It was a deep velvety red that made his teeth look very white and his skin look attractively pale instead of merely sallow.  
  
"It damned well better. It's yours."  
  
"Remind me to burn that later."  
  
*****  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present for your viewing pleasure, Madame Snape."  
  
Cheers, catcalls, boos, and applause died out the instant the curtains parted. It was widely known that severus snape was not known to be a devastatingly attractive man. One thing was now very certain. For all his aesthetic deficiencies as a man, Severus Snape made a damn fine woman.  
  
"Crazy "  
  
It was incredibly hard to believe that underneath the Black satin and makeup and fishnets was Greasy Git Snape. For one thing, the (wo)man onstage had breasts.  
  
"I'm crazy for feeling so lonely"  
  
On closer inspection, one could see the red marks on his legs which, not ten minutes ago, had received their first waxing. And the buxom was the result of Hermion'es clever thinking, some spare socks and a strategically placed illusion spell.  
  
"I'm crazy crazy for feeling so blue"  
  
The figure onstage (many still doubted it was Snape) walk seductively across the stage in five inch heels that had last been seen on the feet of Sirius Black. Hermione, who had rejoined her friends after having helped Madame Snape prepare, sat back and watched her creation saunture back and forth across the stage with the practiced ease of a seasoned lounge act, or a burlesque dancer.  
  
"I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted"  
  
Hermione leaned over Harry and whispered loudly to Ginny, "Snape looks better in that dress than I did. Excuse my whilst I weep in a corner and mourn my utter lack of femininity."  
  
"If that thing onstage is femininity, then I'm better of being gay."  
  
"so you would rather be gay then date Madame Snape."  
  
"Yes. Yes I would."  
  
"hmm.interesting"  
  
"and here I thought you already were gay." A snide remark from the slytherin corner  
  
"Oi! Shove it malfoy! At least my head of stage doesn't go poncing around like a bloody flamer!"  
  
"No, but your godfather does."  
  
"He's got you there, Harry."  
  
"and at least Draco can say that Snape looks better doing it."  
  
"And then some day you'd leave me for somebody new." Snape's voice flowed through the hall like silk, husky and potent. "Worry. . .Why do I let myself worry wondering what in the world did I do?"  
  
Was he looking at me? Why would he look at me? Damn it Hermione! Get a hold of yourself. He's not looking at you. He's just. . . .staring at you. No, he's not. Quit imagining things and pay attention to how hot he is in that dress. Damn it. He does look better in that dress than you did.  
  
"Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you" He was looking at her.  
  
"I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying and I'm crazy for loving you" Why was he looking at her?  
  
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you"  
  
The cat-calls and applause were starting again. And he was still looking at her.  
  
"I'm crazy for trying"  
  
'Despite the fact that you are in women's garments, you are still a grown man, Severus snape. Stop staring at her. Just because her blouse is a bit open doesn't give you the right to stare, you letcher.' Snape was having a hard time controlling his inner demons.  
  
"And crazy for crying"  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione wondered, 'is there something in my hair? No, everything's fine in that department. Is my blouse unbuttoned? Oh god!'  
  
"And I'm crazy for loving you"  
  
'You certainly are, you poor bastard." Snape thought snidely to himself as he walked offstage amidst applause and fanfare. 'Wait, no!' His inner poor bastard laughed. 'Too late! You admitted it! You love her.' He growled out loud, "Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!"  
  
*****  
  
"thank you everyone for your participation. That will be all. auditions are now over." Everyone cheered Dumbledore's announcement. Snape immediatley protested.  
  
"Minerva didn't audition!"  
  
'Yes she did"  
  
"She most certainly did not!"  
  
"She did so"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"did so"  
  
"Not"  
  
"So"  
  
"Not"  
  
"So"  
  
And so it went that the two most powerful men in Hogwarts engaged in a battle of wills that lasted twenty minutes. They were still at it when everyone finally got tired of listening to it and went to bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I freely admit this chapter was rather sucky. It was a bit rushed and I have a mild (MILD!) bought of the dreaded block. But Fear not, dear readers! I have more escapades and hijinx in mind for our unconventional cast. Next chapter: the lists are posted, the players are cast and a venture into Muggle London to catch a midnight showing and Experience Rocky Horror firsthand! Cast and crew take the rock Oath! Egads! Thank you and Enjoy the show.  
  
The song sung by Madame Snape was the Immortal Patsy Cline's "Crazy." Whenever I hear that song, I feel like curling up on the couch with a bottle of tequila and getting piss drunk. I love that song, but it's so sad. It's a good drinking song. And her voice is beautiful. It's all husky and emotional. She sings like she's really crying. I love Patsy Cline. Patsy Cline is cool.  
  
  
  
  
  
Be Kind, Review. 


	7. Long Live The Queens or Men who like t...

Off to a shaky start, but it gets better. Sorry it took so long. I write and I post. I don't have anything else written. It's just a jumble of vague plot lines and one-liners in my head. But here is chapter seven for your enjoyment.  
  
Song of the Day: the Ataris "Summer Rain Was Always our Song"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Seven: Long Live the Queens  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She casually waked up to him in the hallway on the way to breakfast. She didn't think he would take kindly to her actually speaking to him openly in public.  
  
"Lists are posted today." Casually said. A bit too casually.  
  
"Indeed." No emotion. Not that she was expecting any.  
  
"Scared?" That was a laughable question. Severus Snape was never scared.  
  
"Terrified." It was sarcastic enough, but Hermione thought she heard a bit of truth in his word. "Where are they posted?"  
  
"Great Hall"  
  
"Indeed." That man was like an open book. Written in code with invisible ink. In a language that had been dead for several millennia and that could only be read by a select few who had brains the size of watermelons.  
  
*****  
  
The great hall was filled with nervous chatter. Students milled about in groups near the entrance waiting to see if they had landed a role. The Trio of doom stood apart from everyone else waiting for Ginny to bring them the results. None of them had wanted to face the crushing mob that surrounded the lists, so the role had been delegated to Ginny who was apparently the craftiest and smallest of the four. Hermione and Ron were dying with anticipation while harry stood nonchalantly with his hands in his pocket looking supremely bored.  
  
"Aren't you the least bit worried Harry?" Hermione herself felt as if she had swallowed a cannonball.  
  
Harry laughed. "Ha! After that horrible performance I put in at auditions? Never! I don't have a thing to worry about."  
  
"Oi! Congratulations Potter." Draco walked by smugly.  
  
"Thanks. Erm. . . for what?"  
  
"You got the role of Brad."  
  
"What?! Bloody Hell!" A disbelieving Harry rushed to the lists, toppling several people on his way to confirm the unbelievable news.  
  
"If anyone can play Stick-up-the-arse Brad to perfection, it's Harry," commented Hermione.  
  
Ginny Ran up just then red-faced and flushed. "Hermione! You got Janet!"  
  
"Sweet!"  
  
"Oi, Malfoy! You got Rocky Horror."  
  
Hermione burst out laughing hysterically.  
  
"What's that mean?" Draco shifted uneasily. This didn't sound good at all.  
  
Hermione gasped between fits of laughter. "It means you get to play a gold hot pants wearing dumbass."  
  
Ron shuddered. "Malfoy in short shorts. Ladies and gentlemen, we have hit a new low."  
  
"Snape is to play the lead!" A breathless Harry reported to them.  
  
"Oh no, here is a lower place."  
  
****  
  
Once everyone had settled down to eat breakfast Dumbledore stood. "I have an announcement to make. Congratulations to all of you who made the cast. I will need to see these people in my office as soon as the meal is over: Hermione Granger, Severus Snape, Neville Longbottom, Minerva McGonagle, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, Virginia Weasley, Cho Chang, Sirius black, Ronald Weasley, Draco Malfoy, and Albus Dumbledore. That will be all."  
  
"Oi, Harry?"  
  
"You think the old man's finally lost it?"  
  
"Haven't we had this conversation before?"  
  
"Err.."  
  
"Nevermind. Just shut up and eat."  
  
******  
  
Meanwhile, in the Batcave, er. I mean, Afterwards, in Dumbledore's Study (I just really wanted to use that line)  
  
"I have you all to congratulate you on your roles."  
  
Snape muttered, "are you sure you shouldn't be offering condolences instead?"  
  
Hermione nearly wet herself.  
  
Clearing his throat, Dumbledore continued loudly. "I have decided that before we begin rehearsing the play, we mist all experience it firsthand. I have organized a trip into London this Saturday so that we may view a muggle production of the play. It will serve two purposes. Firstly, it will allow is to become familiar with the roles we will all play, and secondly, to give us all an idea as to what the hell we are all doing."  
  
"Nicely put, Albus."  
  
Dumbledore beamed. "Thank you Minerva. I've always been told I have a way with words."  
  
Hermione raided her hand. "Professor, Why are Remus and Sirius going? They don't have roles."  
  
"I have decided to appoint Professor Lupin as director of Music. He will be in charge of all the music for the production."  
  
"And Sirius?"  
  
"Oh, he's not actually doing anything. I just thought he would enjoy going to see the show."  
  
*****  
  
The day had come. Ginny, Cho and Hermione had gathered Draco, Ron, Harry and Neville in Hermione's room and had spent the whole afternoon trying to turn them into women. After several piles of outfits, five tubs of hot wax, two tubes of red lipstick and one near disastrous encounter between Neville and the curling Iron, the boys were ready.  
  
Draco stood in front of the mirror surveying his form critically. "I feel like a fairy."  
  
Harry snorted and eyed the glittery plastic wings attached to Malfoy's back. "You look like one."  
  
"Watch your mouth or you're fucked, Potter." Draco was not in the mood to put up with that sort of crap. His under-wire was digging into his ribs and the borrowed stockings were bunching at his ankles.  
  
"What? Proper fucked?" Harry grinned and batted his heavily lined and mascara-ed lashes at him  
  
"Yeah, Harry. Proper Fucked."  
  
Hermione laughed. Harry, Ron, Neville, and Malfoy all stood in front of her in borrowed dresses and heavy make up, wobbling around in high heels. The results of over two hours worth of preparations were mixed. Ron and Neville were hopelessly ugly. The poor things looked like a very bad episode of "Kids in the Hall." Draco and Harry on the other hand, were a bit above passably attractive. Harry had been forced to put in contact lenses and his eyes had been lined with black liner and mascara. A very dark red lipstick had been applied to his lips and his hair had been given a slight curling. A tight, v-neck blouse and one of Ginny's bras accompanied with a short vinyl mini skirt and knee length boots, again borrowed from Ginny, with a sequined devil's tail attached to his arse completed Harry's new look. Draco, on the other hand, had borrowed a very short, sleeveless white sheath dress that that reached about eight inches above his knees. Thigh high white stockings and platform Mary Jane's along with a glittery pair of angel wings attached to his back finished him off. His eyes had also been heavily lined with black and his lips had about five coats of bright red lip-gloss on them. His hair had been left in its usual style and his chest had gone unpadded, which gave him a wonderful androgynous look.  
  
The girls themselves were absolutely fabulous and worthy of the highest praises in Rocky Horror fashion attire. Ginny was dressed in a shiny vinyl French maid's outfit, complete with feather duster. Ron kept trying to throw a blanket over her, but Ginny would just laugh and run out of his reach. Cho had on a thick leather jacket, which hung almost to her knees. Underneath this, she had on an oversized long-sleeved man's dress shirt, a fishnet body suit and a pair of very tiny denim shorts. She had combat boots with rainbow laces on her feet and her hair had been arranged in dreadlocks and small braids with bright ribbons in them. Hermione had on an incredibly altered version of her school uniform. Her skirt had been shortened by a good foot and a half and her shirt had been left with all but one button undone. She did not wear a bra. A deep green tie hung loosely and crookedly around her neck. Fishnet pantyhose and pretty, dainty suede Tango shoes adorned her legs and feet. On her arms a variety of cheap plastic bracelets and heavy metal studded leather cuffs dangled and a nifty velvet top hat adorned her head at a jaunty angle.  
  
All four of the boys were hard pressed not to stare, as their various outfits would not do much to conceal uncomfortable situations.  
  
*****  
  
Meanwhile in the Snapecave (em, dungeons)  
  
"Congratulations Albus. You have found a completely new and ingenious way of humiliating me utterly."  
  
"It's not bad as all that, dear boy."  
  
"I am wearing a dress that is two feet too short and heels that are a half foot to tall. It is bad as all that, old man. Plus, if I stand with my legs even the slightest bit apart, my crotch are is suddenly very breezy."  
  
"You should see Minerva." Dumbledore recalled the sight of the leather clad deputy headmistress. "Then again, maybe you shouldn't."  
  
"Should I be afraid?"  
  
"Yes. yes you should. And she's not even half as bad as Sirius."  
  
"Dear God."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
******  
  
Meanwhile, in Remus' chambers, the following events were unfolding:  
  
After a tedious two hours in which he watched Sirius black model outfits which were growing increasingly risqué, Remus Lupin was now hurling things about the room in an attempt to ward of the unwanted attentions of the aforementioned Sirius black who was currently chasing him around the room with a pair of pink thong panties and a scandalously short dress of shady origin. Our desperate hero had already battled off several attempts on his life in the form of a mascara wand and a tube of lipstick and was running short of energy. Just when it seemed that our brave warrior was about to succumb to the forces of darkness and pink thongs, reinforcements arrived.  
  
"Hermione! Thank God!"  
  
"He's not being cooperative! I think this dress will look darling on him and he refuses to even try it on!" Sirius pouted and waved the bright purple dress around like a spectacularly ugly flag.  
  
"I'm not putting that horrid rag on the temple that is my body!" Remus backed away from Sirius who had redoubled his efforts.  
  
"But it's so pretty and this thong would go so perfect with your-"  
  
"Damn it Black! Get that thing away from me!"  
  
"It's not like it would kill you to try it on."  
  
"It bloody well might!"  
  
"Remus is right, Sirius. That dress would look pretty damned awful. Give me twenty minutes and I'll see what I can do."  
  
"Alright, but he better look pretty."  
  
"Bloody wanker." Remus muttered.  
  
Sirius giggled and blew him a kiss. "But I'm your wanker, love."  
  
"I need to get a new wanker."  
  
"Is that possible?"  
  
In an offhanded manner, Hermione commented, "you could ask Ginny. I've heard she's got quite a collection."  
  
"More than I wanted to know." Remus gagged and shuddered at the mental images that rushed into his head.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Twenty minutes later, Hermione presented her masterpiece. Remus emerged wearing very worn and very baggy dark blue denim jeans and a Sex Pistols T- shirt. A thick leather belt lined with two rows of metal studs encircled his waist. Heavy chains hung from his pickets and belt loops and leather bracelets with sharp spikes were fastened around his wrist. His hair had been moderately tamed and some of it had been brushed down to obscure one eye completely. The eye that was left exposed had been given the "Clockwork Orange" treatment. Subtle tints of green and gold had been added around his eyes, so that they glowed with a feral light. His lips were colored with a deep, velvety red. All in all, Remus looked good.  
  
*****  
  
At half past ten, the cast and crew were assembled in the great hall, ready to go.  
  
Copping an eyeful of Snape's bulge above his fishnet-clad mile long legs, Hermione whispered to Ron, "Snape in tights. Not as repulsive as I thought."  
  
Ron stared at her as if her head had twisted about a 360-degree angle and was vomiting pea soup. "I fear you."  
  
Draco surveyed the strange group before him and planted his hands on his hips, gleefully declared, "You bunch of cross-dressing fucks!"  
  
Sirius mussed, "I'm actually enjoying this." Harry looked over at his lace- clad Godfather and shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"Watch it Malfoy, or you'll get fucked." Snape growled.  
  
"What? Proper fucked?"  
  
Ginny cut in, "If anyone is going to bet proper fucked, I think it should be m-"  
  
"Oh God! My virgin ears!" Neville had gone beet red and had clamped both hands firmly over both ears with a pained expression on his face.  
  
"That was an overshare, Ginny"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That's the end of chapter seven.  
  
Kudos to Guy Ritchie. There's a bit from "Snatch" hidden in there somewhere. Ding-Dongs and house points to the finder.  
  
The "Clockwork Orange" thing is from the movie made by Stanley Kubrick. In the movie, the main character, Alex, goes about with only one eye made up with black eyeliner and mascara. The end effect is really neat and slightly creepy. Anthony Burgess wrote the book the movie was based on and I have seen the movie and read the U.K. version of the book and I loved them both.  
  
Two of the outfits worn by out heroes have been worn by me to various rocky outings. Harry's outfit is one of my favorites, while Hermione's outfit is my main Rocky getup. Cho's boots are actually mine, rainbow shoelaces and all, so is Remus' belt. My sister got the belt for me for my last birthday. Draco's outfit is what I'm going to wear at the next showing I go to. I've already got the most perfect set of wings.  
  
P.S. the word of the day is indeed. Could you tell? Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind. Review 


	8. Deep in the Heart of Texas

Next episode, Rocky glory, I promise. I couldn't resist the temptation of dropping them in the middle of my personal Hell.erm.....I mean Dallas. You know an American president once said, "If I owned both hell and Texas, I would live in hell and Rent out Texas." I don't remember which president it was, but one of them said it. Their psychotic guide is none other than a fancified version of me. Very fancified. I'm really not that cool, but if I could, I would be. I am crazy.  
Chapter Eight: Deep in the Heart of Rocky.  
They walked to Hogsmead in relative silence. Relativity being what it is, this meant that they were rarely silent, and in fact were very noisy, with the notable exception of a certain potions master whose panty hose were apparently too tight. Hermione glanced over at him worriedly. "Are you all right, sir?"  
  
"I'm just peachy keen, you silly girl. I enjoy tramping about in public dressed as a third rate whore with a bunch of lunatics who apparently enjoy wearing these godforsaken things."  
  
"You mean pantyhose."  
  
"Of course I mean pantyhose, what else would I be talking about?"  
  
"Well, it could have been the bra. If it makes you feel any better, I think you look good."  
  
"This is supposed to be a consolation? Why, oh why would I want to look good?"  
  
"If you are going to dress as a woman, you may as well do it well, don't you think?"  
  
"There's a skewed way of thinking if I ever heard one."  
  
"You really do look good. Your legs look great in that dress." Hermione was just a tad envious.  
  
He snorted. "Out of it you mean. The dress does not go past my arse, let alone my legs."  
  
"I'm serious. You have great legs." Silently, she gave thanks for the brevity of his outfit.  
  
"Thank you for that dubious compliment, Miss Granger."  
  
"Why is it that men always have the best legs? I could kill you for having such great legs."  
  
"You would make me the happiest man in the world of you did just that."  
  
Dumbledore stopped suddenly in front of them. They had reached the outskirts of the town. "We are here. The name of the theatre where we are to be watching the performance is the Angel. Stick close now and apparate on the count of three. Ready? One, two, five!"  
  
"Three, sir."  
  
"Three!"  
  
And they were off.  
  
******  
  
They reappeared with a pop and were instantly floored by killer humidity.  
  
"Shite Albus! It's bloody hot. Where did you apparate us to, Hell?!"  
  
"Close, but it's only Texas," A female voice said behind them. They all turned simultaneously to see an angel. Well sort of. She was the strangest angel any of them had ever seen. She wore a long black skirt that reached to her ankles and flowed when she moved and a tight black bodice with capped sleeves and a scooped neckline. She had on old- fashioned boots that laced up to her knees and large, pristine white wings were strapped to her back. On her head, amid twisted locks of ebony black hair was a crown of dried roses and sharp looking, three-inch long thorns. Her eyes were heavily liked with black kohl and the Eye of Horus was carefully drawn on her right eye. She was lighting a cigarette with a smooth, matte black Zippo lighter, which she snapped closed with a smooth flick of the wrist.  
  
"So, you're the group I'm supposed to show around, then?"  
  
They all looked at her dumbly while Albus stepped forward. "Yes, we are. I assume you are Dorie?"  
  
"Yeah, but you all can call me Dee." She extended her right hand, and Albus shook it. "The movie won't start for about another six hours, so we have plenty of time to go do stuff."  
  
"Six hours!" Everyone stared at her incredulously.  
  
She blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke. "Well, yeah. There's the time difference and all. England is six hours ahead timewise. Any other kind of wise, your light years ahead. You may as well get a look at the city while you're here."  
  
Hermione spoke up, "We're not exactly dressed to go out. I mean, look at Sirius."  
  
"He the one with the red lingerie?"  
  
"Yes, that's him."  
  
Dee walked around Sirius, eyeing him up and down before saying, "It's a bit much for a Saturday night, but if we head over to Oak Lawn, I'm sure you'll fit right in. I'm sure one of the clubs will have a drag show or something going on."  
  
"Oak Lawn?" Sirius looked excited. A drag show! Imagine!  
  
"Dallas' Finest Gay neighborhood. Dallas's only gay neighborhood, I might add. Let's go. Good thing I brought my car." The followed her to a decrepit looking ancient VW bus. "Hop in and I'll show you the town."  
  
Severus stopped in his track to stop and stare at the glory of the rusted pile of scrap metal "That is your car?"  
  
"Gang, meet Nancy. I know she's not much to look at, but Nancy gets me where I need to go. Most of the time anyway. When I don't drive Nancy, I drive Sid."  
  
"Sid?" She named her cars after homicidal punk rockers and the women they killed. Remus liked this girl more and more. "Yeah. My other car. Sid's a bug convertible. He's what I use for dates and stuff. Or when Nancy's out of commission. Now get in. Nancy's a cranky old broad and there's no guarantee she'll be with us much longer. Let's get while the goings good, if you know what I mean."  
  
So they all hopped into the car, whose interior was better of than the exterior to the great relief of all its occupants. After a harrowing fifteen-minute drive, they reached their destination. Ron and Neville practically leapt from the car and were on their knees kissing the ground in an instant.  
  
"Sweet earth! I'll never ride in that miserable pile of crap ever again!"  
  
"how can smuggles do it! These things are an accident waiting to happen!"  
  
"As opposed to flying about the air with nothing separating you and thirty feet of open air but a really big stick?" Hermione countered.  
  
"Brooms are much safer than that...that...thing!" Ron finished indignantly.  
  
Dee laughed. "You've never driven in Texas, have you? Drivers here are pure shite. Nobody knows how to use a damn turn signal here. Or their brakes. Come on. A friend of mine works at a club nearby. He can get us all in for free."  
  
It took them about five minutes to walk to the club, but that was all it took for the majority of the parties to get indecent propositions. Most of them more than once. The final tally is as follows: Albus, Minerva, Ron, and Neville received no propositioned. Harry and Draco Received one apiece and two to act as a team. Sirius received three, but two of the propositioners were drunk off their asses, so they didn't count. Ginny, Remus and Cho each received four. Hermione received six and a half. (don't ask) Severus led the way with a whopping total of eleven indecent propositions. He didn't know whether to be disgusted or flattered. Sirius was fuming. "Honestly, what does he have that I don't?"  
  
"Taste. And a damn fine set of legs. And a tight ass. And a better sense of fashion. And great hair." Dee stated. Everyone laughed and Sirius vowed his revenge. They reached to club and Dee went into a deep discussion with Larry the bouncer before rejoining the group.  
  
"Small problem. Larry's boss has been really anal about letting freebies in, so we're only allowed in if we contribute for the Talent/Drag show going on this evening. I t seems they're really hard up for entertainment. So I volunteered Severus, Remus, Hermione and Ginny."  
  
"You did what!? You stupid prat!" Snape immediately exploded.  
  
"I don't have my guitar. I'll need a guitar." Remus was already choosing the songs he would perform.  
  
"Ginny, want to do Madonna?" Hermione was visibly excited.  
  
"I'm in a Tori mood myself."  
  
"So. I'll take that as a yes, then?" Dee looked hopefully at them and tried to look as innocent as possible.  
  
"That is bloody well not a yes!" Snape lunged for Dee's throat, but was restrained by a still fuming Sirius and a thoroughly amused Dumbledore.  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Any excuse to get onstage and act like a skank."  
  
"Great, I'll tell Bill."  
  
"I thought his name was Larry."  
  
"It is."  
  
*****  
  
So in the end, a very upset Severus Snape was dragged onstage by a very amused Hermione Granger to perform a very sexy rendition of Nine Inch Nail's song, "Closer," which involved Hermione getting an impromptu lap dance. Remus found a guitar and performed a set of six songs: "Blitzkrieg Bop" by The Ramones, "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure, "The Distance" by Cake, "Take It Off" by the Donnas, and "Me and Bobby McGee" by the incomparable Janis Joplin and "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional. Ginny ended up performing Tori Amos' "Bells For Her" and Tori's verson of REM's "Losing My Religion." Hermione sang two songs. U2's "Mysterious Ways," which involved Snape getting an impromptu lap dance and No Doubt's "Bathwater," which, oddly enough also involved Snape getting an impromptu lap dance. Not that he was complaining. As a matter of fact, he was sitting with his hands crossed behind his head and a huge smirk on his face, enjoying every minute of it. After all the performances were done with, Dee glanced at a clock. "Crikey! Look at the time! Let's split, or we'll miss the show." Gulping down the last of her drink, she waved good-bye to Larry the Bouncer. "See you later, Adam."  
  
"I thought his name was Larry."  
  
"It is."  
  
****  
  
Fifteen minutes and another harrowing car ride later, they were safely back in the parking garage they had apparated to.  
  
"Stupid bitch. That'll teach her to cut me off again." Dee was still fuming about a woman who had shown very little respect for the rules of the road.  
  
"You ran her off the road." Harry thought she was overreacting just a bit.  
  
Dee grinned evilly. "You bet your ass I did."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
*****  
  
So they waited in line and bought their tickets, finding relief in the fact that there were other people there that were dressed every bit as strangely as they were. Well, except for Sirius. No one looked as strange as he did. Making their way inside the theatre, they were waylaid by a hunchbacked man in a ratty tuxedo that launched himself upon their guide. "Dee! You haven't been back for a month! We'd thought you found another venue."  
  
"What, and leave all this? Not in a million." She flashed a cheeky grin at the man. "Jimmy, these are some friends of mine. Virgins all of them, except for this young filly."  
  
"I went with a cousin of mine in the west end last year. The live performance was astounding." Hermione stepped forward and shook the man's hand.  
  
He smiled broadly and "A true pleasure, my dear." Turning to Dee, the man said, "You want me to give them all the treatment?"  
  
Dee broke into a broad grin. "Fire at will!"  
  
Jimmy pulled out a tube of flamingo pink lipstick and drew a large "V" on all their foreheads. Most of them submitted willfuly, except for Severus, who had to be held down by Sirius and Remus.  
  
"Done and done." Jimmy was rather smug as he pocketed his lipstick.  
  
"Dude, I got a new one for the insult draw." Dee jumped up and down happily in place.  
  
Pulling out a piece of paper and a pen, Jimmy shouted, "Fire away, my capitan!"  
  
"Bitch monkey bastard son of a motherless goat eating cheesy vaginal discharge penis wrinkled cum bubbling syphilitic bastard whore."  
  
"Does the vaginal discharge come before or after the motherless goat?"  
  
"After."  
  
"Okay got it." He deposited the slip of paper into a small black bag. "You need a prop bag?"  
  
"Try ten."  
  
"Ten bucks."  
  
"You sweetie."  
  
"I'll send Betty by with them. See you inside doll."  
  
"By Chuck."  
  
Watching him walk away, Hermione wondered, "so what's his name then? Jimmy or Chuck?"  
  
"Neither. It's Daniel"  
  
"Let's drop the subject, please."  
  
*****  
  
They made their way into to the theatre, scrambling after Dee, who had taken off like a shot as soon as the doors had been opened.  
  
"Ha! I got great seats for us! I am incredible."  
  
"Yes, because we want great seats to what has so far promised to be the singl emost humiliating experience of our lives." Growled Snape as he took his seat. "It could be worse. You could be naked." Dee said helpfully.  
  
"That would really be the single most horrible moment of my life anyway." Neville muttered  
  
"Shut up. They're starting."  
Next chapter, the appearance of Lips! And the Hogwarts gang takes the rocky oath, and Draco gets initiated into the cult of Rocky! Cho gets chosen for the Lesbian scene! Hermione gets something wet in her ear! Egads! Better stuff next time. Guess what? We got the computer fixed and then the monitor blew up on us! It sucks! That's why this is late, but her it is anyway. Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind. Review 


	9. Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Right after I posted this, I re-r4ead it for the millionth time and noticed some huge, glaring errors. If your not familiar with the processes of the midningt showing, you won't notice it, but those of us who are will see them, and I wanted to be as faithful to Rocky as I could. Plus, it means soemthing to the true admirerors of Rocky to see that the content of this story is true to life. I'm sorry for the oversight. I used aq faulty source I got off the internet and I really should have known better. I'll do better next chapter, I promise. On with the show!  
Chapter 9: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid  
Dee's friend Daniel walked to the middle of the small stage set up in front of the screen. Everyone in the theatre started cheering and clapping. Daniel waved his arms about and shouted, "Hey Everyone! SHUT UP!" The theatre quieted down and he grinned. "That's better. Welcome one and all to The Rocky Horror midnight Experience. For those of you who are new to us, there are a few rules." Everyone groaned. "Rule number one! Don't throw shit at the screen. That screen is worth more than your combined lives and guess who has to pay for it if it gets damaged. That's right! ME! So if you ruin it, I will hunt you down and take the money from you, or a pound of flesh. Maybe both. It depends on my mood. Secondly, Don't throw shit at the actors. We had to retire out last magenta because she caught some toast in her eye. The whole cast has my permission to beat the shit out of anyone who throws shit at them, so please let's avoid the bloodshed. I have to pay the cleaning bill if it gets on the seats, and I have three kids to put through college.  
  
Dee shouted, "That's bullshit Mac! You don't have any kids!"  
  
Daniel shouted back, "Shut up Dee! You're ruining my speech!"  
  
"It was ruined when you started!"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"Bastard!"  
  
"Rule number three! You are not allowed to shout obscenities at the Actors. They are people too, and their feelings are hurt just as easily as yours are."  
  
"You damned Pansy!" Dee shouted.  
  
"Damn it Dee! Take the hint and shut up!"  
  
"You could have just said that in the first place, you know."  
  
"I know, but it's not as much fun."  
  
"Love you, Stevie."  
  
"Me too, babe." Daniel blew Dee a kiss before continuing, "I am warning you, The Rocky Horror Picture Show is not for the faint of heart. You will see and hear things here unlike anything you have ever seen or heard. For example, you may hear the phrase..." He pulled a scrap of paper out of his small black bag. ". Shit faced mother fucking cunt rag. That's a nice one. Have to remember that for the next time I speak to my old man. You may also hear the phrase...Bitch monkey bastard son of a motherless goat" He paused for a moment, took a huge breath and continued, "cheesy vaginal discharge eating penis wrinkled cum bubbling syphilitic bastard whore." Daniel waved the scrap of paper with a flourish as the whole audience broke out in applause.  
  
"Now, for the initiation rites into the cult of rocky. All the virgins, on your feet now!"  
  
Dee and Hermione watched in amusement as the rest of the gang, plus several other people in the theatre slowly rose to their feet.  
  
"Place your left hand in the air and your right hand on your crotch."  
  
Severus was shocked. "On my what!"  
  
"On your fucking crotch! Now shut up and repeat after me!"  
  
Severus was too stunned to do anything but obey. Placing one hand on his bulge, he raised the other numbly.  
"I, insert your mane here, you shitbags, do solemnly swear to uphold the glorious traditions of the Rocky Horror Midnight Experience. I vow to be loud and to always dress as if I have no morals. I vow to always defend the good name of Rocky Horror and Richard O'Brian. And to those shitheads out there who defame Rocky Horror in any way, I will say: May boils bother and plague you May corns adorn your feet May crabs as big as manhole covers Crawl on your balls and eat. And when you're old and useless And a syphilitic wreck, May your spine drop through your asshole And bbreak your fucking neckb!!!."  
The last like was shouted at the top of everyone's collected lungs.  
  
"Now! Who would like to be initiated into the Cult of Rocky."  
  
Draco's hand immediately shot up and he began to jump up and down. "MeMeMeMeMeMeMeMeMe!"  
  
"Ok, the fairy in the white dress, and the guy in the red thongs, get your asses down here. We need two more people. Let's see...The chick in the back row with the pink skirt, and you, with the hair! Front and center!"  
  
Sirius, Draco, and the two girls from the audience made their way to the center of the stage. Daniel Walked up to Sirius and said, "Hey there, big boy. What's your name?"  
  
"Sirius Black."  
  
"Ok, Mr. Black. What's your favorite animal?"  
  
"A dog."  
  
"Good choice, and what's your name, little girl?"  
  
"Um..Audrey."  
  
"Hello Audrey. What's your favorite animal?"  
  
"A kitty."  
  
"Aww...Pussy cats. Moving on, what's your name, Angel?"  
  
"Draco. Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Alright, Draco, what's your animal of choice."  
  
Draco grinned broadly. "I'm my own favorite animal."  
  
"Cocky little fucker, aren't we?"  
  
Draco winked lasciviously at him. "You wanna find out for yourself?"  
  
"Maybe later, you sweet thing. And last of all we have the charming miss..."  
  
"Cassandra," the girl in the pink skirt filled in.  
  
"Whose favorite animal is the..."  
  
"Monkey."  
  
"Alright, now that we are all properly introduced, let's get you all initiated. Mr. Malfoy here can go first. Now young Draco here says that he is his own favorite animal. In order to be initiated into the Cult of rocky, He must do only one thing. He must show us how his favorite animal performs in the Sack. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Draco must show us all how he achieves the highest nirvana of orgasms."  
  
Catcalls and whistles erupted from the audience, whilst a collective scream of horror came from Snape, Neville, Ron and Harry.  
  
Draco looked out at the crowd, and said, "Well, the thing is, I like to fuck people in a very uncomfortable position."  
  
Daniel looked confused. "What, like the backseat of a Volkswagen?"  
  
"Not exactly, "Draco replied, before pouncing on the unfortunate young lady standing next to him. He proceeded to hump her in slow motion from behind, making exaggerated moaning noises while he pretended to massage her breasts. The girl began to yell and tried to break free, but this only egged Draco on.  
  
"Yeah, baby. You know how daddy wants it. Say my name, baby. Call me Steve. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."  
  
The girl was only halfheartedly struggling now. She was too busy trying to keep from laughing. Draco picked up the pace and moaned even louder.  
  
"Call me Dave, baby. Call me Dave. Yeah. Give it to me! Yeah! God, yeah! Oh, god!" He stopped moaning, and threw his head back and emitted the most womanish sounds ever to be produced by a set of male vocal cords. Silence reigned over the theatre and was then vanquished by thunderous applause.  
  
Daniel cleared his throat. "Well, I don't think anyone here can top that performance, so why don't we just conclude out initiations her and move on to phase three of our evening. Earlier today, the other people you are here with sneaked everyone's name into my magical bag. One lucky person, whose name I will now draw, will accompany our Beautiful Magenta and Columbia in acting out the lesbian scene. That lucky person is..." Daniel stuffed his hand into a small red bag he had produce and rummaged around a bit before pulling out a twisted scrap of paper. "Cho Chang!"  
  
Cho immediately stood and started jumping up and down, screaming. "I won! I bloody won!"  
  
Hermione leaned over Snape's lap to whisper to Ginny, "Is it just me, or she a bit to exited about the prospect of making out with two other girls?"  
  
"Well, there was this one time after flying practice.."  
  
Snape interrupted icily, "Would you mind not discussing Miss Chang's dubious sexual orientation and removing your head from my lap at once!"  
  
"Why, professor, you have very nice thighs. Do you workout?"  
  
"Neither my anatomy nor my Weight Lifting regime are any of your concern, Miss Granger. I work out twice weekly in the Hogsmeade gym."  
  
"Ginny, look at his thighs. They're gorgeous." In her haste to get Ginny to see Snape's well toned legs, Hermione accidentally reached the Promised Land.  
  
"Oh my God! It feels bigger than I thought!"  
  
"Damn it, Miss granger get your hand ioffi of my-"  
  
"Now it's time to start the Rocky chant! One, Two, Three!"  
  
The audience began chanting in unison. "START THE FUCKING FLICK! START THE FUCKING FLICK! START THE FUCKING FLICK! FORGET THE FLICK! START FUCKING! FORGET THE FLICK! START FUCKING! FORGET THE FLICK! START FUCKING! I THOUGHT SHE WAS THIRTEEN! I THOUGHT SHE WAS THIRTEEN! I THOUGHT SHE WAS THIRTEEN."  
  
The opening credits were about to roll.  
  
"I LOVE PIE! I LOVE PIE! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! ! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! ! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! ! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS!"  
  
A huge set of bloodred lips appeared onscreen.  
  
"THANK YOU!"  
  
Everything went silent, and then, Daniel's disembodied voice could be heard, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, God said "Let there be lips." And they were, and they were good."  
  
Onscreen, the Lips were beginning to sing "Michael Rennie was ill The Day the Earth Stood Still But he told us where we stand."  
  
The audience yelled out, "ON OUR FUCKING FEET!"  
  
Severus Snape was less than amused. And his crotch was still tingling. Hermione was still ogling her hand.  
  
Annual movie quote of the chapter: MALLRATS! MALLRATS! MALLRATS! Yet more Kevin Smith goodness. So, I got "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" and "Mallrats" taken care of. That leaves me with "Dogma," "Clerks," and "Chasing Amy." I think I'll put the ".get drunk, cause I'm all out of ideas." Line from Dogma in there, and I'll probably end up using the "Morose Motherfucker" line from "Chasing Amy." For clerks, I'll mention snowballing, or something with the "Thirty-seven!" For those of you who know what the hell I'm babbling about, good for you! Also look forward to more Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Especially the killer bunny. Thank you and enjoy the show  
New Post Script. I'm sorry for my error. It has been corrected thank you for bearing with me. Thank You and Enjou the Show  
  
Be Kind, Review. 


	10. Midnight Double Feature Picture Show

Sorry it took so long. It was kind of hard to write this chapter, becaue I wanted to leave in as much of the movie stuff as I could, while still continuing with the story. It didn't really work out that way, but oh well. I think the next few chapters are going to focus more on the movie than the story. That way it will make more sense later, when they are putting the play together. These chapters will be sor t of a reference point to the characters, as well as the readers who aren't familiar with rocky. Thanks for waiting and here is chapter TEN!  
Audience lines are in all caps. (these lines are what the audience yell to the movie)  
Chapter Ten: MIDNIGHT, DOUBLE FEATURE PICTURE SHOW.  
The lips were singing. All was right with the world.  
  
"Michael Rennie was ill The Day the Earth stood still but he told us where we stand."  
  
ON OUR FUCKING FEET!  
  
And Flash Gordon was there in  
  
EDIBLE!  
  
underwear,  
  
IT WAS GOLD!  
  
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.  
  
I SAW HIM!  
  
Then something went wrong For Fay Wray  
  
FUCKED HER DONG  
  
They got caught in a  
  
SEXUAL  
  
jam.  
  
YEAH, JAM!  
  
Then at a deadly pace it came  
  
ON  
  
WHERE?  
  
JANET'S FACE!  
  
THANK YOU!  
  
And this is how the message ran:  
  
FREEZE!  
  
Science fiction  
  
OOH, OOH, OOH  
  
double feature  
  
WAA WAA WAA  
  
Doctor  
  
SEX! SEX! SEX!  
  
will build a creature. See androids fighting  
  
AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON  
  
BRAD'S A FAGGOT  
  
Anne Francis stars in  
  
DEEP THROAT, DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, AND...  
  
Forbidden Planet Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh At the  
  
MIDNIGHT  
  
WHAT KIND OF FEATURE?  
  
ROCKY HORROR  
  
WHAT KIND OF SHOW?  
  
Picture show  
  
I knew Leo G. Carrol  
  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION  
  
Was  
  
FUCKING A BARREL?  
  
When Tarantula took to the hills.  
  
GET THAT SPERM OFF YOUR LIPS!  
  
And I really got hot when I saw  
  
JANET'S TWAT!  
  
..that spits poison and kills.  
  
YEAH, KILLS!  
  
Dana Andrews said Prunes gave him  
  
THE SHITS!  
  
And passing them used lots of  
  
GAY SKILLS!  
  
Snape turned to Dee, "why are they all yelling? I can't hear the bloody movie!"  
  
"that's the point! You're supposed to yell things. It's part of the fun."  
  
"What? Missing the movie?"  
  
"Yes, now shut up, this is my favorite part!"  
  
...To the MIDNIGHT!  
  
WHAT KIND OF FEATURE?  
  
ROCKY HORROR!  
  
WHAT KIND OF SHOW!  
  
Picture show  
  
WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO FUCK?  
  
In the back row,  
  
The people in the front row stood up. FUCK THE BACK ROW!  
  
The people in the back row stood up and shouted, YAY BACK ROW!  
  
Oh Oh Oh To the  
  
MIDNIGHT  
  
WHAT KIND OF FEATURE  
  
ROCKY HORROR  
  
WHAT KIND OF SHOW?  
  
PICUTE SHOW!  
  
The audience broke out in cheers, and there was much rejoicing. Snape was beginning to have a headache. Dee whispered loudly to everyone, "Hey, get your rice ready. The wedding scene is coming up!"  
  
Onscreen, a man yelled, "Here they come," as the wedding party exited a church.  
  
Daniel's voice yelled out. "You can throw the rice now, morons!"  
  
The air was suddenly filled with grains of rice, some of which pelted Snape in the eye.  
  
"Oh God! That bloody hurt!"  
  
Hermione giggled. "do you want me to kiss it and make it all better Sir?"  
  
Eyeing her warily, Snape regretfully declined her generous offer.  
  
onscreen, an old lady was croaking her congratulations to the happy couple. The audience croaked back, "Thank You, you old hag!"  
  
The groom was talking to a man is a plaid cummerbund, "Well, I guess we really did it huh." He said, while punching him on the arm.  
  
HIT HIM BACK! IT'S AN ASSHOLE PUNCHING CONTEST!  
  
Severus looked around at the audience, licking his lips nervously. "Are they really supposed to be yelling? I don't think they should be yelling."  
  
"Damn it Snape! Hold your tongue. It's very distracting."  
  
"I'll say," Hermione muttered. Snape's tongue was the last thing she wanted to think about, but when she had seen it slowly moistening his lips, she couldn't help but wonder..No, bad thoughts1 dirty, evil thoughts!  
  
"Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet  
  
The bride threw her bouquet, and it was caught by a young woman wearing a purple dress.  
  
HEY JANET, DO YOU HAVE THE SYPH!  
  
"I got it! I got it!" The young woman cried ecstatically.  
  
The groom punched the man in the cummerbund. "Hey, big fella...  
  
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?  
  
"...looks like your next."  
  
The man in the cummerbund, Brad, shrugged. "Who knows."  
  
THE SHADOW KNOWS!  
  
The groom said good-bye to his friend, "So long, see you Brad."  
  
SEE YOU SUCKER!  
  
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.  
  
FIX YOUR GLASSES, FIX YOUR CHIN, THEN MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SO WE CAN READ THE CAR - `WAIT TILL TONIGHT. SHE GOT HERS, NOW HE'LL GET HIS.  
  
See you, Brad.  
  
SEE YOU SUCKER  
  
A sign appeared on the screen, and the audience read it aloud. BE JUST AND FEAR NOT, BE STONED AND FEAR NOTHING  
  
Meanwhile, bunches of geriatrics were running after the bridal car.  
  
OH SHIT, MY PACEMAKER BROKE!  
  
Draco laughed so hard, he choked on his soft drink and coke shot through his nose. The people in front of him were less than thrilled. Harry and Ron pounded him on the back for a full five minutes before he quit coughing long enough to smack them both upside the head. Onstage the actors were acting out the scenes as they happened in the movie. A large girl of African American origin was playing the role of Janet and was currently prancing about, gushing out her praises for the wedding.  
"..An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Monroe and now..."  
  
NOW SHE'S JUST PLAIN OLD!  
  
...now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.  
  
HAP-SHIT!  
  
"Hey Hermione, no offense, but your character is kind of annoying as all hell." Draco whispered.  
  
"Wait till you See Rocky Horror. Oh, god!"  
  
"What! What is it!"  
  
"I just remembered the seduction scenes!"  
  
"seductions! Christ!"  
...I really love the... .....  
  
STARTS WITH AN "S!" SUCKY, SLIMY,..  
  
....skillful way.....  
  
WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS!  
  
... you beat the other girls ......  
  
WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS?  
  
... to the bride's bouquet.  
  
THAT TOO.  
  
While Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick burst into song onstage, Hermione burst into tears at the thought of having to fake an orgasm onstage with Draco Malfoy.  
  
CAUTION: THE MAN IN THE NEXT SCENE HAS NO FUCKING NECK!  
  
"Who is playing that role, Albus?"  
  
"Why, none other than you, my dear Minerva.  
  
"That's just wonderful. I get to play the neck-less wonder!"  
If anyone can tell me how to get the effing caps to work on this damn thing, I would be eternally greatful forever. It would make things less confusing and more organized and easier to read, and so far, I can't get the damned things to bloody work! Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind. Review.  
  
P.S. as a special treat, I'm posting an essay I wrote for my college English class about getting ready to go to Rocky Horror. It doesn't have anything to do with the story, but I'm proud of my essay, and I think you all would like reading it. So, there it is. Thank you and enjoy the show. 


	11. Cheap Bitches and Men with No Necks

I would like to take this opportunity to say that PRESIDENT BUSH IS A COMPLETE MORON! THE MAN IS INSANE! HE CAN'T EVEN BLOODY SAY THE WORD "NUCLEAR!!!!!!!!!!" I swear to God, it's true. I was watching the news yesterday, when he was talking about North Korea or Iraq and instead of saying Nuclear Weapons, he said, and I quote, "Nucular!" Ladies and gentlemen, the leader of the free world is a complete incompetent fool! AND WHAT'S WITHH THE GODDAM LIBERTY FRIES! WHAT THE HELL DID THE FRENCH EVER DO TO US? Seeing as they bailed our asses out during the revolutionary war by loaning us their goddamn navy, you'd think the senate would be a bit less petty. WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF A TERRIBLE SENSELESS WAR AND THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT FUCKING FRENCH FRIES!? WJHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY!? So now people think they are being patriotic when they eat "Liberty" fries and "Liberty" toast and when they "Liberty" kiss their boyfriends or whatever, when they could be patriotic by USING LESS OIL AND RECYCLING OR LAYING OFF THE GODDAMN LIBERTY FRIES ALTOGETHER, YOU FATASSES! THAT'S IT! I'M MOVING TO CANADA!  
  
That, being said, I think we should continue with the story, don't you?  
  
By the way, I got a 98 on that essay  
Like I said earlier, the next few chapters will focus mainly on the movie, with only a bit of the original characters. I've tried to write it differently, where the focus is mainly on the characters, but it's damn near impossible. Anyway, this will serve as a reference point for those who are not familiar with the movie itself, and it will add some very comedic moments. The Audience lines are still in all caps, and I still haven't figured out how to work the italics.  
THE MAN IN THE NEXT SCENE HAS NO FUCKING NECK!  
  
The man onscreen did indeed have no discernable neck. His chin began as soon as his shirt collar ended. It was rather disturbing once you thought about it. I mean, necks are important. It was creepy.  
  
"I would like...  
  
YOU WOULD, WOULD YOU?  
  
....ah, if I may...  
  
YOU MAY  
  
...to take you on a strange journey....  
  
"HOW STRANGE WAS IT?" The audience shouted as the man reached for a big black book onscreen. "SO STRANGE THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF IT! NO, NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE!"  
  
The criminologist opened the book  
  
THREE PAGES TO ASSHOLE!  
  
He turned the first page.  
  
TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE!  
  
He turned the second page  
  
ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE!  
  
He turned the third page to reveal a photo of brad majors.  
  
ASSHOLE!  
  
"It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors.." the criminologist started,  
  
ASSHOLE!  
  
...and his fiancée Janet Weiss....  
  
SLUT!  
  
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU FUCK SHEEP?  
  
The criminologist said, "it's true there were dark storm clouds..."  
  
DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS!  
  
Heavy black and pendulous..  
  
IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU FUCK GERBILS?  
  
It's true, also, that their spare tire was badly in need of some air...  
  
LIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!  
  
Harry looked around, a bit confused. "Are they going to yell that every time?"  
  
"Yes, now shut up, asshole." Hermione teased.  
  
"Hey, I'm not an asshole yet. Once we start rehearsing, then I'll be an asshole." Harry protested  
  
"Hermione, on the other hand is a slut, no matter what." Draco chimed in.  
  
"Don't think I don't have the perfect insult for you, Malfoy. But I won't waste it on you right now. It's time will come. Oh, yes. It's time will come. "  
  
WHAT A FUCKING DRIP!  
  
Onscreen, the movie had progressed, and the criminologist had been replaced by Brad and Janet driving in the rain. Everyone in the audience raised their hands and mimicked the windshield wipers. Richard Nixon was giving his resignation speech on the radio.  
  
HEY DICK, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A QUITTER?  
  
I have never been a quitter.  
  
BULLSHIT!  
  
To leave office before my term is over is against every instinct in my body....  
  
YOU CALL THAT A BODY?  
  
..Bust as president..  
  
YOU CALL THAT A PRESIDENT?  
  
I must put the interests of America first.  
  
WHAT DOES AMERICA NEED, DICK?  
  
America needs a full time President,  
  
WHAT ELSE DICK?  
  
and a full time Congress...  
  
Jenet offered brad some candy, and swallowed her own piece whole.  
  
JANET SWALLOWS!  
  
"Oi, harry? What are they yelling about her swallowing? Everybody swallows."  
  
"I'll tell you later, Neville."  
  
Ginny muttered, "I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation."  
  
A motorcycle had passed Brad and Janet's car onscreen.  
  
"Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us." Janet exclaimed.  
  
THE SLUT CAN COUNT!  
  
..They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all!"  
  
SAY SOMETHING STUPID, ASSHOLE!  
  
"Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type." Brad said, in a derogatory manner.  
  
YAY THAT TYPE!  
  
"Oh," brad exclaimed, as they came to a dead end. "What's the matter, darling?" Janet asked.  
  
HE CAME ON THE WINDSHIELD!  
  
"Was that comment really necessary?" Snape wondered aloud.  
  
"Yes, now shut up Damn it!"  
  
....we'll just have to turn back." Brad said.  
  
DON'T BACK UP! BOOM!  
  
"Oh! What was that bang?"  
  
A GANG BANG!  
  
"We must have a blowout! Dammit! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed...  
  
ASSHOLE!  
  
...Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help."  
  
" Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?" JANET ASKED.  
  
TRY THE FUCKING CASTLE!  
  
...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles?  
  
YEAH!  
  
...Maybe they have a telephone I could use!"  
  
CASTLES DON'T HAVE TELEPHOPNES, YOU ASSHOLE!  
  
Janet said, "I'm going with you!"  
  
" Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet." Brad said.  
  
SHE'S ALREADY WET!  
  
"I'm coming with you!  
  
THAT'LL BE A FIRST!  
  
Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman...  
  
HE IS!  
  
"He?! What do they mean by He?"  
  
"Damnit Snape, shut your pie-hole!"  
The both got out of the car.  
  
"Dudes, get your water guns and newspaper ready. And your lights, too."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"You'll see."  
  
Onscreen, Janet had put a piece of newspaper over her head to protect herself from the rain.  
  
BUY AND UMBRELLA, YOU CHEAP BITCH!  
  
At this point in time, everyone started squeezing the triggers of their water guns and aimed for the virgins.  
  
"Ow! My Ear! You hit me in the ear you bastard!"  
  
"Oops, sorry, Mione."  
  
"Bitch."  
The Cheap bitch part is my favorite. More to come next week. Thank you end enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind, review. 


	12. There's a light in the darkness well, ma...

Thank you to all of you who did not flame and to those who did, I send you a warm raspberry and I hope you fall off a cliff and sprain your ankle. That may sound a bit harsh, but I really do hope it's only a small cliff with a ten-foot drop. Anyway, I AM old enough to vote, and I did do so at the last election, but living in the republican stronghold hell that is Dallas, Texas my Democratic vote meant CRAP! I'm telling you, Canada is where it's at. They have poutin. Poutin is cool. About the French not supporting the US, last time I checked, not very many people are supporting out asshole president on this one, and I think they are right in doing so. And there is nothing treasonous about voicing my negative opinions about the government. It is not only my God-given right, but also my duty as a Untied States citizen to criticize our government in the hopes of drawing attention to its faults and striving to make it better. For everyone else, please send good thoughts to my friend Robert, who is a Marine and may or may not be shipped off to Kuwait soon. I really love my friend and I don't want him to get shot, or blown up by a missile, and I worry about him. Thank you.  
Chapter 12: There's a light in the Darkness (well, maybe not) over at the Frankenstein Place  
"Motherfucker!"  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
"I have water in my ear canal, Ron! Water! In my ear!"  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
"You massive tool! Why the fuck did you squirt water in my ear!"  
  
"I'm sorry!"  
  
"You bitch"  
  
KICK IT!  
  
Onscreen, Brad kicked his car.  
  
Meanwhile the audience members continued to squirt their water guns and hold pieces of newspaper over their heads until the water ran out. Hermione was still trying to get the water out of her ear.  
  
"Light! Get you pen lights out!" Dee whisper-shouted at them.  
  
Onscreen, Brad and Janet had approached a gate that had a small white sign on it.  
  
BRING IT A LITTLE CLOSER! LIGHT PLEASE!  
  
The camera closed in on the sign and a flash of lightning made it possible to read it.  
  
THANK YOU!  
  
The sing read, "Enter at your own risk!"  
  
RISK IT! IF YOU DON'T, IT'S ONLY A TWENTY-MINUTE MOVIE!  
  
Brad and Janet walked past the gate and into the grounds of the sinister castle before them.  
  
HEY JANET, WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING TREE! Janet made strange squealing noises as she ran into the bony branches of a bare tree.  
  
SING, BITCH!  
  
"In the velvet darkness, Of the blackest night, Burning bright..." Janet sang in a watery voice. For all that Susan Sarandon is a fabulous actress, she does not have the best singing voice. Besides, she was married to Prince Humperdink from "The Princess Bride"  
  
WHAT'S UP YOUR ASS?  
  
"..there's a guiding star.."  
  
THAT MUST HURT  
  
"No matter what or who you are. There's a light..."  
  
At the word "light," everyone in the audience turned on their flashlights.  
  
WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHILDREN?  
  
Over at the Frankenstein place. There's a light....." Again with the flashlights.  
  
WHERE DO THE BACKSTREET BOYS RECORDS BELONG?  
  
Burning in the fireplace... ..There's a light, light (and yet still more flashlights) in the darkness (all flashlights are extinguished) of everybody's life.  
  
SING TO US, OH HAIRLESS ONE!  
  
In the window of one of the castle towers, something grotesquely ugly had begun to sing.  
  
"Sweet Jesus! What the hell is that thing?!"  
  
"That's your role, Ron."  
  
Onscreen, the hairless one had begun to sing. "Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow morphia slow..."  
  
HEY WE PAID REIGHT BUCKS FOR THGIS MOVIE, AND WE CAN'T GET ONE GODDAMN CLOSE UP!"  
  
The camera panned in on the ugly bald guy's face.  
  
SWEET JESUS! MAKE IT GO AWAY!  
  
"....let the sun and light come streaming Into my life. Into my life..."  
  
The hunchback at the window seemed to melt from view.  
  
IT'S THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING HUNCHBACK!  
  
FUCK YOU, GOD!  
  
An enormous bolt of lightning filled the screen.  
  
OKAY, WE GET THE FUCKING POINT!  
  
Brad and Janet were back to warbling, "....There's a light (flashlights) Over at the Frankenstein place, There's a light...(more flashlights) Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light (yet more flashlights) in the darkness (all the flashlights are gone!) of everybody's life..."  
  
"Have they stopped singing?"  
  
"Yes, Neville."  
  
"They're not going to do it again are they?"  
  
"Well, Neville, it is a musical."  
  
"Ker-ist!"  
  
AND BETSY ROSS USED TO SIT AT HOME AND SEW AND SEW...  
  
The narrator had reappeared onscreen. "And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet..."  
  
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!  
  
"...and that they had found the assistance that their plight required..."  
  
ARE YOU SURE?  
  
"...Or had they?"  
  
NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!  
  
Meanwhile, after walking for house singing stupid songs in the rain, Brad and Janet had reached the door of the really creepy castle.  
  
"Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened."  
  
"Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone." Brad said and he used the doorknocker, which looked eerily like an acid tripping Scooby Doo in bondage.  
  
"Yo, that is the coolest door knocker I have ever seen. Professor Dumbledore, could we get one installed at the school?"  
  
"Did you just say 'Yo'?"  
  
DING SONG ASSHOLE CALLING! WANNA BUS SOME ASSHOLE COOKIES?  
  
The ugly bald shrinking hunchback opened the door. "Hello."  
  
"Hi! My name is Brad Majors..."  
  
ASSHOLE!  
  
".... and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss."  
  
SLUT!  
  
"I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?"  
  
HEY RIFF-RAFF, LOOK BETWEEN JANET'S LEGS!  
  
"You're wet." Riff-Raff commented.  
  
WELL NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!  
  
HEY JANET, ARE YOU A SLUT?  
  
"Yes," Janet replied.  
  
WHY?  
  
"....it's raining."  
  
YOU'RE A SLUT BECAUSE IT'S RAINING?  
  
HEY BRAD, ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE?  
  
"Yes." Brad said, for apparently no reason.  
  
RIFF-RAFF, ARE YOU ON DRUGS?  
  
"Yes..." Riff-Raff said.  
  
A sudden flash of lightning illuminated a row of motorcycles parked near the door.  
  
OH SHIT! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE THOSE! THEY HAVE NOTHIG TO DO WITH THE PLOT, BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE THEM!  
  
Riff-Raff continued, "I think perhaps you better both..."  
  
FUCK OFF  
  
..come inside."  
  
IT'S BETTER THAN CUMMING ON THE PORCH!  
  
HOW KIND IS HE?  
  
"You're too kind." Janet called behind him as he led them inside.  
  
NO! HE'S ONE OF A KIND!  
  
Looking around the dusty, eerie interior of the castle, Janet exclaimed, "Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?"  
  
" Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes."  
  
YAY, RICH WEIRDOS!  
  
HEY RIFF-RAFF, HOW DO YOU FINGER FUCK YOUR SISTER?  
  
"This way," Riff-Raff said, indicating the way with his thumb.  
  
FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB!  
  
Sound of music and laughter nearby prompted Janet to ask, "Are you having a party?"  
  
NO, IT'S MY SISTER'S BAR MITZVAH!  
  
"You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs. "  
  
WHICH ONE?  
  
"Oh... lucky him." Janet said.  
  
Suddenly, a redheaded woman in a french maid's outfit who was stradling the banister of the stairs shouted out, "You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha"  
  
THE BANISTER IS LUCKY!  
  
"Is that me, Mione?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Wow. I'm a slut."  
  
"Yeah you are!"  
  
"You don't have to be so enthusiastic about it, Malfoy."  
  
"This is widely true."  
  
Meanwhile, a grandfather began to chime.  
Next chapter: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! Time warp goodness coming at you! Aroooooooo! Pray for peace, people and send good vibes. Love your neighbor, just don't get caught. Thank you and enjoy the show.  
Be kind, review. 


	13. Let's do the time warp agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Guess what? You have to bloody guess! No? okay, I'll tell you. TORI AMOS IS COMING! TORI AMOS IS COMING! Yay! The Golden Goddess is playing in my town and I got tickets! I'M GOING TO SEE TORI LIVE! Yay! o_0  
This chapter: Time Warp goodness. Next Chapter: Tim Curry in Drag and Snape gets a rude awakening. (wait till he gets a load of the sex scene)  
Chapter 13: Let's do the Time Warp Agaaaaaaaaaaaain!  
A grandfather clock chimed seven times in the background and Riff raff went to the clock in question. He opened the door to the clock and reveals a skeleton.  
  
HEY RIFF-RAFF, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE  
  
It's astounding.." Riff-Raff began to sing/chant.  
  
NO, IT'S A SKELETON!  
  
"...Time is fleeting.."  
  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ROCK GROUP?  
  
".... Madness...."  
  
THEY SUCK!  
  
"...takes its toll..."  
  
FIFTY CENTS, PLEASE!  
  
"..But listen closely... .."  
  
FOR HOW LONG?  
  
"Not for very much longer. ." Magenta. The maid, began to sing and dance with Riff-Raff in a most unseemly fashion.  
  
"Um, Hermione? Am I going to have to do that to Ginny?"  
  
"Yeah. You know what the sick part is Ron?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"They're brother and sister in the movie too."  
  
"Oh, God."  
  
HEY RIFF-RAFF, HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE?  
  
"..I've got to..."  
  
I'VE GOT THREE!  
  
"...keep control.."  
  
SMOKE A BOWL!  
  
"....I remember doing the time-warp...."  
  
KICK, KICK! The audience yelled as Riff-Raff did amazingly good high-kicks for a hunchbacked man.  
  
"....Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me and a void would be calling... ..."  
  
GET UP AND DO THE TIME WARP, MOTHERFUCKERS!  
  
The audience leapt to their collective feet, as Riff-Raff and Magenta opened the door to a ballroom filled with oddly dressed people who were singing, "Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again."  
  
HOW'S THIS DONE!  
  
HERE'S THE INSTRUCTIONS! DO IT!  
  
The Narrator's study was suddenly onscreen. He was standing on a blue mad with feet and arrows drawn on to it. "It's just a jump to the left," he explained, hopping leftwards.  
  
BOOM CHUG-A-LUG-CHUG-A-BOOM!  
  
"And then a step to the right." The camera cut back to the oddly dressed partygoers before cutting once more to the narrator, who was dancing on his desk. "With your hands on your hips." He continued apparently having the time of his life.  
  
The partygoers were back onscreen, thrusting madly. "You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time-warp again!"  
  
Magenta started singing (if you can call it that) " It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me.."  
  
DO YOU DOUCHE?!  
  
No, not at all.  
  
WHERE DO YOU FUCK  
  
In another dimension,  
  
HOW DO YOU FUCK?  
  
With voyeuristic intention,  
  
WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR TITS?  
  
Well secluded,  
  
DO YOU SEE THIS? Everyone in the audience flashed magenta the birdie.  
  
I see all.  
  
SO DO WE, BITCH!  
  
Riff-Raff began to sing, alternating lines with Magenta, "With a bit of a mind flip you're into the time slip. And nothing can ever be the same. You're spaced out on sensation. Like you're under sedation!"  
  
At hearing Riff-Raff's Axle Rose-esque shriek, Janet fainted rather dramatically into Brad' arms. Meanwhile, the weirdoes were still dancing and singing up a storm. "Let's do the time warp again! Let's do the time warp again!"  
  
Meanwhile, a girl with a rather annoying voice, wearing a top hat and a strange outfit started singing and dancing.  
  
"Whose that?"  
  
"That's you, Cho."  
  
"Hmmmm...interesting."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Columbia, the chick with the top hat was still singing, much to Snape's great annoyance. "Well I was walking down the street just having a think when this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again."  
  
The weirdoes started singing again. "Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again."  
  
The narrator cut in, " It's just a jump to the left.  
  
BOOM CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG-A BOOM!  
  
The weirdoes sang out, " And then a step to the right."  
  
"With your hands on your hips." The narrator was really getting into it.  
  
Weirdo's again, "You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time-warp again!"  
  
Columbia began dancing, and the audience chanted along with her steps, "TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT! SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! THREE! FIVE! SEVEN! NINE! WE KNOW YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! WIPE THAT CUM UP OFF THE FLOOR!  
  
"Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again."  
  
THE Narrator was hoping about his desk again. "It's just a jump to the left."  
  
GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR DESK!  
  
BOOM CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG-A BOOM  
  
"And then a step to the right."  
  
By this time, our heroes had gotten the hang of the Time Warp and were dancing merrily in the aisles, with the exception of Snape, who was having a bit of trouble with the pelvic thrusts.  
  
"With Your Hands on your hips, You bring your knees in tight!"  
  
"Really professor, are you going to bump into me every time you thrust?"  
  
"Miss Granger, you are the first woman that has ever complained about that."  
  
"Complaining? Who said I was complaining."  
  
'But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time-warp again!"  
  
The song concluded, the weirdoes dropped to the floor in exhaustion.  
  
Janet poked Brad viscously in the ribs. "Brad, say something," she whispered.  
  
SAY SOMETHING STUPID, ASSHOLE!  
  
" Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?"  
  
I DO THE ROCK, IT'S STIMULATING, I DO THE SWIM, IT GETS ME WET, I DO THE JERK, IT GETS ME OFF!  
  
The guests begin to laugh a bit at the unhappy couple, who retreated to the safety of the hallway. Unbeknownst to them, an elevator lift behind them is slowly lowering with someone inside.  
  
Janet turned to Brad, grabbing his arm and pleading. "Brad, please, let's get out of here."  
  
TELL JANET TO MASTURBATE!  
  
"For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet!"  
  
Behind them, the elevator lift had lowered enough to reveal a diamond studded stiletto heel that was tapping in time with music that was slowly growing louder.  
  
STEP! STEP! STEP! The audience chanted in time with the foot.  
  
" But it... it seems so unhealthy here," Janet was still whining.  
  
"It's just a party, Janet"  
  
"Well - I want to go."  
  
"Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone."  
  
"Well then ask the butler or someone."  
  
"Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration."  
  
"This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.'  
  
"They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... folk dancing."  
  
"Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared."  
  
The lift had lowered enough to reveal a figure clad in a long black cloak.  
  
" I'm here - there's nothing to worry about."  
  
Janet noticed the lift and turned around to look into the face of the figure.  
  
At that moment, the audience let out an ear-piercing shriek.  
CLIFFHANGER!  
What will Snape do when he discovers the true nature of his Role? Will Brad and Janet ever get to the phone? Will Hermione EVER get laid? Fin out next time, on the all-new episode of "THE ROCKY HOGWARTS PICTURE SHOW!"  
Thank you, and enjoy the Show.  
Be kind, review. 


	14. Sweet Transvestite

Tori Amos on the Twenty Third! Twenty-two more days till Tori! Wow! Yay! anyway, ignore that rant and enjoy the chapter.  
Chapter Fourteen: Sweet Transvestite  
"Sweet Jesus! What is that thing!" Snape looked absolutely horrified as he saw Tim Curry dressed in drag and really strange make-up. "um.." Hermione started timidly, "that's you." "no! God no! Tell me it's not true!"  
  
Ron, Harry, Neville, and Draco were about to piss their pants laughing. Sirius was drooling over Tim curry's outfit and Remus was sitting back and enjoying the unfolding drama.  
  
"How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked He thought you were the candyman. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book by its cover...."  
  
PRICE, THAT IS  
  
"...I'm not much of a man by the light of day but by night I'm one hell of a lover."  
  
TROW IT!  
  
Dr. Frank N. Furter threw his all-covering cloak onto the throne, revealing a body clad on a black bodice, a thong and a garter with really cute shoes. Snape began to scream in a very, very girlish manner. The audience yelled madly as Frankie walked back towards Brad and Janet doing leg kicks.  
  
"I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around. Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy.  
  
FUCKING GOOFY!  
  
Or if you want something SEXUAL! That's not too ITELLECTUAL we could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.  
  
WHO THE FUCK IS STEVE REEVES?  
  
Brad, meanwhile, was clumsily attempting to circle Frank N. Furter, in a feeble attempt to intimidate the (wo)man, who simply turned around and ignored both Brad and Janet.  
  
" I'm glad we caught you at home," Brad said, pushing His glasses up. "Could we use your phone?  
  
SUCK YOUR BONE?  
  
"... We're both in a bit of a hurry."  
  
THEY BOTH WANNA FUCK TIM CURRY!  
  
LEFT, BITCH!  
  
Janet nodded enthusiastically, " Right."  
  
LEFT!  
  
Brad once again tried to capture Frankie's attention, "We'll just say where we are, Then go-"  
  
FUCK IN THE CAR!  
  
"..We don't want to be any worry."  
  
Frankie finished greeting the guests/weirdoes and turned to brad. "Well you got with a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic."  
  
S &M!  
  
Frank turned his back abruptly on Brad and walked back to his throne amid a shower of streamers and confetti.  
  
"I'm just a sweet transvestite...."  
  
BOOM CHICK-A-CHICK-A-BOOM CHICK-A-CHICK-A-BOOM!  
  
"From Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night?"  
  
"Night," Riff-Raff echoed most sinisterly  
  
" Or maybe a bite?" Frank continued.  
  
LICK!  
  
Columbia licked her lips lasciviously and echoed, "Bite"  
  
" I could show you my favourite obsession.." frank said.  
  
SEX!  
  
".... I've been making a man..."  
  
YOU CALL THAT A MAN?  
  
"......With blond hair and a tan....."  
  
WITH A LONG DICK IN HIS HAND!  
  
"...And he's good for relieving my...."  
  
SEXUAL  
  
...tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite.."  
  
CHECK IT OUT!  
  
The camera panned around to reveal all the weirdoes fawning adoringly over the half-naked Tim Curry.  
  
"....From Transsexual, Transylvania. I'm just a sweet transvestite..." Frankie high kicked his way through the crowd to the elevator lift.  
  
Columbia, Riff Raff, and Magenta echoed, " Sweet transvestite"  
  
"From Transsexual.."  
  
Columbia, Riff Raff, and Magenta finished, "Transylvania."  
  
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CONDOM BREAKS?  
  
"So," Frank said.  
  
WHAT?  
  
"Come up to the lab..." he said, stepping into the elevator lift he had first come out of.  
  
I CAN'T CUM THAT FAR!  
  
"And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici-" Frank cut off abruptly, leaving a pregnant pause hanging in the air.  
  
The audience shouted wildly, "SAY IT!"  
  
"-pation." Frank bit out. The audience sighed collectively and Janet nearly fainted onscreen. "  
  
But maybe the rain isn't really to blame..." Frank continued.  
  
NO! SUE'S TO BLAME!  
  
".... So I'll remove the cause..."  
  
WHAT ABOUT THOSE NASTY SYMPTOMS?  
  
FUCK THE SYMPTOMS, HE'S FUCKED EVERYTHING ELSE!  
  
"...But not the symptoms!" He nearly shouted, and abruptly closed the door of the lift, ascending into the lab above. The weirdoes all burst into applause as Magenta handed Brad and Janet towels.  
  
"Well, this just gets better and better for me, now doesn't it." Snape snarled, rising from his seat.  
  
"where are you going!" Hermione exclaimed in alarm.  
  
"I quit!"  
  
"You cant! You're the lead."  
  
"Give me a better reason, Miss Granger."  
  
"We have a sex scene in about two minutes!"  
  
"We?"  
  
"You and I, sir."  
  
Snape sat down without complaint.  
  
HEY JANET, WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN BRAD FUCKS YOU?  
  
"Thank you."  
  
HEY BRAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN JANET FUCKS YOU?  
  
"Thank you very much."  
  
As Brad and Janet dried themselves with the towels, the audience sang out, "JANET'S ON THE RAG, ANS SO IS BRAD!" Meanwhile, Magenta and Riff-Raff began to undress Brad and Janet  
  
WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN RIFF RAFF FUCKS YOU?  
  
" Oh! Brad!" Janet exclaimed.  
  
" It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right."  
  
NICE ACES!  
  
"Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush." Columbia protested.  
  
YAY RUSH!  
  
Brad, looking more than a bit ridiculous in only his boxers and his thick glasses stuck his hand out for Columbia to shake. "Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss.."  
  
HEY BRAD, SPELL URINATE!  
  
"..you are..."  
  
CLOSE ENOUGH  
  
Columbia ignored his hands and merely held both her arms out for Riff Raff and Magenta to pile clothes onto. "You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege."  
  
OR THEIR LEFT TIT!  
  
"People like you maybe." Brad said, trying to insult her.  
  
" Ha!" Columbia laughed. "I've seen it!" and with that, she threw their clothes on to the floor. . Brad scrambled to pick up an article of clothing to cover himself with.  
  
HEY BRAD, PICK UP SOMETHING REALLY USEFULL, LIKE A SHOE!  
  
Sure enough, Brad held a shoe in front of him as he walked towards the elevator lift.  
  
Riff-Raff drunkenly poured wine into a glass and promptly took a swig from the bottle.  
  
"Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting."  
  
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH AN UNCOMFORTABLE COCK?  
  
"Shift it."  
  
DROP IT!  
  
Riff- Raff dropped the bottle of wine, which shatters loudly on the floor.  
  
RIFF RAFF CAN'T HOLD HIS LIQUER!  
  
Janet gave a small screech as the elevator began to ascend. Once she recovered from the small shock, she asked timidly, "Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?"  
  
"The master is not yet married," Riff-Raff replied, "nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his.."  
  
SLAVES!  
  
"....servants."  
  
"Oh," Janet said, quietly.  
  
FIRST FLOOR, CLOCKS, BLOCKS, BAGELS AND LOX, SNIPPERS, CLIPPERS, BEDROOM SLIPPERS, WATCH YOUR STEP. SECOND FLOOR, RUBBER, LEATHER LACE AND FEATHERS, WHIPS, DIPS AND NIPPLE CLIPS, WATCH YOUR ASS. THIRD FLOOR, TAMMY FAYE BAKKER.  
  
The lift doors opened to reveal Frank's laboratory and the weirdoes from the party below standing on an observation deck. There was a tank, standing on a platform in the middle of the room, and around it were weights and a gymnastic horse wrapped in cellophane. Frank N. Furter was standing before them, wearing a surgeons outfit and cotillion pearls.  
  
WE ARE THE WORLD!  
  
SLUTS FIRST ... ASSHOLES SECOND... SERVANTS, GROUPIES, AND WEIRDOS THIRD, FOURTH, AND FIFTH. HURRY UP, WE'RE ON A BUDGET.  
  
Janet exited the lift first, followed by Brad, Riff-Raff, Columbia and Magenta.  
  
They had entered the belly of the beast.  
Next chapter: the animation of Rocky Horror, Draco gets a rude awakening. The chapter after that, Harry gets a rude awakening and the girls must convince the boys to stay in the play by going to ...ahem..extreme measures. Good fun and girl on girl action to come. Thank you and enjoy the show.  
Be kind. Review. 


	15. the Sword of Damocles

Fifteen more days till TORI! I'm so excited! I get to see the Goddess live! I've been listening to "Under the Pink" and "Scarlett's Walk" for two weeks straight. It's wonderful. I have "gold dust" and "Bells for Her" stuck in my head permanently. It's great! Meanwhile, I've neglected to turn in two major essays and nearly flunked my Geology quiz, wait, never mind. I DID flunk my quiz. But at least the cute guy hit on me. That totally makes up for it!  
Chapter 15: The Sword of Damocles  
Stepping off the elevator, Riff Raff handed Frank the glass of wine he had poured in the elevator.  
  
HEY FRANKIE, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?  
  
Frank snapped, " Magenta.."  
  
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR POT?  
  
"....Columbia..."  
  
BAD CHOICE  
  
"....go assist Riff Raff...."  
  
HE NEEDS A BLOW JOB AND TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE!  
  
"...I will entertain ...uh huh huh..." He trailed off and looked pointedly at Brad and Janet.  
  
"Brad Majors. And this is my fiancée, Janet 'Vice'." Brad said proudly  
  
" Weiss." Janet hissed waspishly.  
  
"Weiss." Brad amended  
  
SAY SOMETHING IN FRENCH  
  
"Enchante." Frank said, kissing Janet's hand while she giggled like a sissy.  
  
WHAT'S IT MEAN?  
  
"Well! how nice...." Frank said.  
  
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS!  
  
"And what charming underclothes you both have, " he smirked, taking a closer look at Brad's....attributes.  
  
THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!  
  
"But here. Put these on..." He gestured to Magenta, who handed the pair two lab coats.  
  
AND TAKE THOSE OFF!  
  
"....They'll make you feel less......"  
  
NAKED?  
  
".....vulnerable....."  
  
SAME THING!  
  
"......Its not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality....."  
  
HORSE BRUTALITY!  
  
"Hospitality!?" Brad exploded.  
  
HORSE BRUTALITY!?  
  
"All we asked was to use your telephone, God damn it, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!" He shouted at Frank.  
  
Janet, touched his arm, saying. "Brad, don't be ungrateful."  
  
"Ungrateful!" Brad roared, whipping off his glasses like some unmanly version of Clark Kent.  
  
IT'S SUPERASSHOLE!  
  
Frank said in an..admiring...tone, "How forceful you are, Brad.  
  
DESCRIBE TIM CURRY!  
  
"....Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So....." He trailed off and blatantly stared at Brad's crotch.  
  
BIG!  
  
"...dominant..." He finished.  
  
"Please tell me I'm not going to be required to find Potter sexually attractive." Snape whispered to Hermione, his voice low and pleading.  
  
"Well sir, if that's what you want to hear..."  
  
"Shot me. Just shoot me now."  
  
"I left my gut at the castle. Can you wait until we get back home?"  
  
"If you insist."  
  
"You must be awfully proud of him, Janet." Frank said rather smugly.  
  
JANET, ARE YOU A SLUT?  
  
"Well, yes. I am." Janet said, giggling and flustered.  
  
Turning to Brad, Frank asked, "Do you have any-"  
  
TESTICLES!  
  
"..tattoos Brad?"  
  
"Certainly not!" Brad said indignantly.  
  
ASK JANET!  
  
Frank seemed mildly disappointed. "Oh well, how about you?" He asked Janet.  
  
"No," she replied, still giggling.  
  
Riff Raff approached Frank. "Everything is in readiness, master-"  
  
BATER!  
  
"......We merely await your word."  
  
SPERM!  
  
Frank Spilled the wine he had barely touched onto Riff Raff  
  
OH NO! MY NEW SUIT! MY BEST SUIT! MY ONLY SUIT!  
  
"Get your gloves out!" Dee hissed to everyone. Everyone obliged. They slipped on the single latex glove just as Frankie slipped his on onscreen, and everyone snapped it just as Frankie snapped his.  
  
"OW!" Apparently Ron had snapped his a bit too hard. "Bloody Stretchy these things are!"  
  
HEY FRANKIE, WHEN'S THE ORGY AND WHO'S INVITED?  
  
Frank announced grandly, "Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical.."  
  
BISEXUAL!  
  
"...research... and paradise is to be mine...It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place......"  
  
LIKE A PUZZLE?  
  
".......not a sign of being....."  
  
ARE YOU A FOOL?  
  
".....what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen...."  
  
WHAT WAS YOUR BIRTH?  
  
"AN ACCIDENT!" Frank shouted.  
  
Magenta and Columbia echoed, "An accident!"  
  
".......And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that...."  
  
WHO GIVES THE BEST HEAD ON STAR TRACK?  
  
"..... SPARK that is the breath of life......."  
  
WILL YOU FUCK EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?  
  
"..Yes,"  
  
DO YOU KNOW ABOOUT GAY SEX?  
  
"...I have that knowledge... ....."  
  
WHAT DO YOU HAVE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS?  
  
"......I hold the secret......"  
  
TO LIFE?  
  
"....to life......"  
  
ITSELF?  
  
"....itself!" Frank finished with a flurry.  
  
F!  
  
"You see," he continued,  
  
K!  
  
"You are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!" Frankie gestured grandly to the really big tank behind him and the unconventional conventioneers clapped wildly. Janet began to clap as well, but Brad grabbed her hands and made her stop.  
  
JANET'S GOT THE CLAP AND NOW BRAD'S GOT IT TOO!  
  
Magenta and Columbia grabbed a hold of the cloth revealing a giant tank with a mummy-like figure inside..  
  
MAGENTA IS UP AT BAT....NO BALLS, NO HITS, NO TITS EITHER!  
  
FRANK, HOW DO YOU SAY FUCK YOU IN CHINESE?  
  
"Up now! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator..." Frank ordered Riff Raff,  
  
OSCILLATOR?! I JUST MET HER!  
  
"..... and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS! "  
  
Riff Raff threw a really big switch and three triangles lit up red as the power rose.  
  
THREE! MORE! DORITOS!  
  
" Oh, Brad!" Janet cried, near hysterical as the tank began to glow and the lights went out.  
  
HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE, BRAD?  
  
"It's all right, Janet." Brad said stalwartly putting his arm around his woman.  
  
A SIX-FOOT SELF-INSERTING TAMPON WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.  
  
A chandelier-like object lowered from the ceiling directly above the tank, and Frankie turned different knobs with great effort dripping different colored liquids into the tank below.  
  
RED! ORANGE! YELLOW! GREEN! BLUE! PURPLE! MORE GREEN!  
  
The audience shouted as Frankie turned each knob.  
  
IS IT SOUP YET?  
  
NOT YET!  
  
IS IT SOUP YET?  
  
NOT YET!  
  
IS IT SOUP YET?  
  
NOT YET!  
  
FUCK IT! LET'S NUKE THE BASTARD!  
  
The figure in the tank suddenly became skeletal.  
  
OH LOOK! ROCKY'S FIRST BONER!  
  
A hand with only four fingers reached out and grabbed the edge of the tank.  
  
THROW HIM BACK! HE;S ONLY GOT FOUR FINGERS!  
  
the figure mumbled something incomprehensible. He removed the bandages from his head to reveal a handsome blonde young man.  
  
Frank lunged for the creature and cried out, " Oh! Rocky!"  
  
Rocky grabbed a hold of the chandelier as it rose up, and so evaded Frankie's ardent embrace. Frankie raced over to Riff Raff who was winding the chandelier and kicked him hard. " The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread." Riff Raff began to lower the chandelier once more. "Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer."  
  
Frankie lunged for Rocky once more, but missed and fell into the tank, as rocky let go of the chandelier and landed between Magenta and Columbia who began to cut off his bandages. When they were done, rocky was standing in a pair of Gold Lame short shorts and very little else. Snape watched the events onscreen in Horror. "I'm in love with Malfoy!?"  
  
Hermione winced. "Yes, Sir."  
  
"Malfoy!"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
Snape commenced to hyperventilate very rapidly and Hermione guided his head between his knees and frantically instructed him to breathe deeply. Draco for his part was torn between bouts of hysterical laughter and tears of horror.  
  
"I have to wear that!?"  
  
"Yes, Draco."  
  
"That!"  
  
"Yes Draco."  
  
"But they're so tiny! And Gold!"  
  
"Yes, Draco."  
  
"I'll be cold!"  
  
"Draco, right now, cold is the lest of your worries."  
  
"I'm trying to pointedly ignore that until I can get sufficiently drunk to handle that, Potter, now shut your hole!"  
  
"Well, there's is a bar in the lobby.."  
  
Meanwhile, back onscreen, rocky had finished his song and dance number and had finally been caught by a very persistent Frank.  
  
"Well really." Frank said,  
  
NO, FRANKLY!  
  
"......That's no way to behave on your first day out."  
  
OF THE CLOSET!  
  
Rocky sat just behind a ladder, and it framed him rather like a prison cell.  
  
IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT, BEAT YOUR BARS, IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT, BEAT YOUR BARS, IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT, AND YOU REALLY WANT TO SHOW IT, IF YOU'RE HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT BEAT YOUR BARS.  
  
Rocky beat the bars of the ladder and made sounds like a forlorn puppy.  
  
" But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you." Frankie relented, fawning over Rocky's golden thighs.  
  
"Ugh, Ugh" Rocky grunted, clapping like a child. The audience clapped right along with him.  
  
"Oh, I just love success!" Frankie gushed, clasping his hands together.  
  
YOU LOVE ANYTHING WITH A 'SUCK' IN IT!  
  
"He's a credit to your genius, master." Riff Raff intoned.  
  
"Yes." Frankie glowed with praise.  
  
Magenta followed, "A triumph of your will!"  
  
Frank said louder, "Yes."  
  
Columbia looked at Rocky, resting her arms, (and most of her breasts0 on the side of the tank. "He's OK!"  
  
YOU BLEW IT, YOU BITCH!  
  
Frank looked at her disbelievingly. "OK?!"  
  
KILL THE ROACH!  
  
Frank smacked Columbia on the arm, causing her to back off of the tank.  
  
GET YOUR TITS OFF MY TANK!  
  
"O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph!" He flounced away from her.  
  
ASK KEN AND BARBIE!  
  
"Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?  
  
LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH, BITCH!  
  
Janet faltered, for a moment, looking at brad before answering, "Well, I don't like men with too many muscles."  
  
JUST ONE BIG ONE!  
  
"I didn't make him... FOR YOU!" Frank said impudently.  
  
YEAH, BUT SHE GETS HIM ANYWAY!  
  
"Please tell me it doesn't get any worse." Snap pleaded Hermione  
  
"You do get to axe murder Neville in a second." She said hopefully.  
  
Neville's eyes began to bulge out of his head and he crouched very low in his seat.  
  
Snape grinned a feral grin. "At least there's something to look forward to. And after that?"  
  
"Well..." Hermione hesitated, thinking of the seduction scenes.  
  
Snape observed her hesitation and the strange look on her face and read it as an ill omen. "I'm Afraid."  
  
"You bloody should be." She agreed, ribbing his back consolingly.  
DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUM!  
  
Next Chapter: Whatever happened to Saturday night? Featuring Delivery Boy! Neville. Axe Murderer! Frankie! Confetti galore and Frankie and Rocky say "I do!" Egads! Thank you and enjoy the show.  
Be kind. Review. 


	16. he can make you a MAAAAAAAAAAAN!

I know! I know! I'm evil and wrong and evil and horrible and I deserve to be hung upside down by my toes! Or maybe made to watch really hot, sexy porn with my hands tied behind my waist. Anyway, here are my excuses. They are Threefold.  
  
Reason the first: The disk containing all my working notes, plus my copies of the rocky Horror scripts, both the movie and the audience participation lines, was erased, and I didn't have any back-up copies done so I had to start over from scratch.  
  
Reason the Second: I had to attend the Tori Amos concert on Wednesday. It was awesome and I was in a state of shock for two days before and after the concert from the idea that I was actually going be in the same room as the Goddess incarnate. I bought a program, because Neil Gaiman wrote it, and I love Neil Gaiman. There is no goddess but Tori, and Gaiman is her Prophet. I love Tori, and it was the greatest show EVER. Besides U2, but no one could ever beat Bono, not even Tori. Bono's dead sexy and Irish and wonderful and..that's all a bit besides the point right now.  
  
Reason the Third: I had writer's block, plain and simple.  
  
To make up for it, this chapter is extra long, and the next chapter has hot lesbian action. Sort of.  
  
Chapter the Fifteenth? I don't even know what chapter I'm on anymore. Now THERE'S a bad sign. Um..moving right along.....  
  
CHAPTER THE FIFTEENTH: He CAN MAKE YOU A MAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAAAAN!  
  
DESCRIBE BRAD  
  
"A weakling," Frank sang. Magenta and Riff Raff scurried forward carrying a phallic-shaped vaulting horse and placed it in front of frank's podium. Columbia lead Rocky off of the ladder and onto the horse.  
  
THAT'S BRAD  
  
"...weighing ninety-eight pounds...."  
  
NINETY-SEVEN AND A HALF, HE JERKED-OFF LAST NIGHT!  
  
NINETY SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS, HE SWALLOWED IT!  
  
"....Will get sand in his face...."  
  
AT THE BEACH!  
  
"...When kicked-"  
  
IN THE GROIN!  
  
ROCKY, DON'T LAUGH! THAT WOULD HURT!  
  
Meanwhile, Rocky was laughing delightedly at his new toys. "Ugh... Ugh..."  
  
"And soon in the gym with a determined chin," Frank continued, drooling over Rocky's muscles.  
  
WIPE THAT CUM OFF HIS CHIN!  
  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?  
  
"The sweat from his pores," Frank sang  
  
YOU MEAN BALLS  
  
"...as he works for his Ca-ah-ause!" Frank hyperventilated a bit as Magenta and Riff Raff brought forward dumbbells.  
  
SAVE THE HUNCHBACKS!  
  
Frank presented Rocky with the cellophane wrapped weights.  
  
NOW THERE'S FOUR DUMBBELS ON THE SCREEN!  
  
In the audience, Snape was near to tears, and Draco was hyperventilating with his head between his knees.  
  
"I'm a Neanderthal," He wailed. "A Gay Neanderthal in tacky spandex!"  
  
"Well," Harry reasoned, "Then it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you to act in character."  
  
Somehow, that was little consolation to Draco Malfoy.  
  
Onscreen, Frankie was slowly moving towards Rocky's crotch.  
  
GO FOR THE GOLD! LOWER! LOWER! LOWER!  
  
Frank finally lunged, but rocky moved out of the way before Frank could land his hands on the prize.  
  
MISSED IT, MISSED IT, NOW YOU GOTTA KISS IT!  
  
THAT'S WHY HE MISSED IT!  
  
"He'll be pink and quite clean. He'll be a strong man." Frankie sang, chasing Rocky around.  
  
WHAT DOES CUM TASTE LIKE?  
  
"Oh honey...." Frank gushed. "All But the wrong man. ..."  
  
OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY CIRCUMCISE THAT THING BEFORE IT KILLS SOMEONE!  
  
".....He'll eat nutritious....."  
  
CUM!  
  
".....high protein..."  
  
CUM!  
  
"...And swallow raw eggs....."  
  
CUM!  
  
SAMNE CONSISTENCY!  
  
"....Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and....."  
  
FRANK, WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ORGAN?  
  
" ...Legs..."  
  
LIAR!  
  
" Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days....."  
  
AND ONE GOOD FUCK...  
  
"....I can make you a maaa-aa-aa-aa-an." Frank sang grandly.  
  
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!  
  
HEY, ROCKY, GIVE US YOUR BEST SUPERMAN IMPRESSION!  
  
Rocky had thrown down the weights, and was now busily doing press-up after press-up.  
  
"He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk...." Franks continued singing.  
  
OR LICK JANET'S SNATCH AND JERK OFF!  
  
HARDER, HARDER, HARDEEEER!  
  
"He thinks dynamic tension..."  
  
IS DYMANIC?  
  
".....must be hard work......" Frank sang while relieving some of his sexual tension on the vaulting horse.  
  
FUCK THAT HORSE! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!  
  
NOW THAT'S HORSE BRUTALITY!  
  
"Such strenuous living I just don't understand, When in just seven days....."  
  
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!  
  
" I can make you a ma-a-a-aaan!"  
  
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!  
  
THE NEXT THREE WORDS HAVE BEEN CENCORED!  
  
A loud beeping sound was heard.  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  
  
"Ah! Ooh!" Frank Exclaimed.  
  
INCOMING!  
  
A refrigerator door opened like a drawbridge behind Frank, revealing a wall of ice and a surprisingly large amount of coca-cola bottles.  
  
GUESS WHOSE COMING TO DINNER?  
  
Eddie burst through the door in a Harley Davidson motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and holding a guitar. He looked a but like a cross between the latter years of Elvis and a rather fat Frankenstein.  
  
Columbia ran forward and exclaimed, "EDDIE!"  
  
CHECKLIST!  
  
KICKSTAND: CHECK!  
  
GOGGLES: CHECK!  
  
HELMET: CHECK!  
  
ATTITUDE: CHECK!  
  
IF YOU HAD HALF A BRAIN YOU'D SING!  
  
"Whatever happened to Saturday night..." Eddie sang rock and roll style. Columbia leapt forward and settled down behind him on the motorcycle seat.  
  
IT WENT APESHIT ON SATURDAY MORNING!  
  
".When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light came into my life...." Neville began to look rather pleased, as he observed his character getting humped by Columbia.  
  
WHY DID YOU BLOW HUGH GRANT?  
  
"..I thought I was divine.."  
  
NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE MEATLOAF!  
  
"...I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music on the radio...."  
  
AND TAKE HER TO THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!  
  
"A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll." Eddie began to dance wildly with Columbia, and Riff Raff and Magenta began to dance in an unseemly fashion while Rocky looked on in a puzzled manner. Frank was getting more and more angry.  
  
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK 'N ROLL AT THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW  
  
"..Hot Patootie, Bless my soul!..."  
  
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!  
  
"....Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll..."  
  
HEY EDDIE, HOW ABOUT SOME GOOD SEX?  
  
Edie grabbed a saxophone from somewhere and started to play an amazing sax solo Elvis Style while Columbia looked on adoringly.  
  
I SAID GOOD SEX, NOT GOOD SAX  
  
YOU NEVER BLEW ME THAT HARD!  
  
YOU NEVER PAID, BITCH!  
  
"My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled..." Eddie stopped blowing his horn and resumed dancing wildly with Columbia.  
  
OR THE COCAIANE YOU DEALT!  
  
"...My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt......"  
  
BLACK GARTER BELT!  
  
".....I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine......"  
  
HE'D WHISPER UP MY REAR TONIGHT IT REALLY WAS MINE!  
  
"...Get back in front, put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song...."  
  
SAME DAMN SONG!  
  
"....With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along...."  
  
OR AROUND YOUR GUY YOU'D TRY TO GRAB HIS SCHLONG  
  
"....It felt pretty good...."  
  
HARD!  
  
"....Woo you really had a good time...."  
  
Eddie jumped back onto his motorcycle and started riding it around the room, occasionally running people over, still singing wildly, "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul..."  
  
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!  
  
Meanwhile, frank had snuck into the freezer and retrieved an Alpinist's ice pick unseen. Eddie drove his motorcycle into the freezer, and Frank followed him, ice pick held high. People started to scream and blood started to fly. Columbia screamed hysterically, EDDIE! NO!" Janet just screamed.  
  
YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS, & YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR FRIENDS' NOSE - UNLESS YOU'RE FRANK; THEN YOU CAN PICK ANYTHING YOU WANT!  
  
HEY FRANK, SHOW US YOUR BEST OJ IMPERSONATION!  
  
From the freezer, sickening squelching noises, sounding suspiciously like an ice pick lodging itself in a chubby human body, were heard. Blood splattered the walls and the floor immediately in front of the freezer.  
  
NO, NO, NO! OJ ATE THE WHITE MEAT, THEN HE CUT IT UP!  
  
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED EDDIE! THOSE BASTARDS!  
  
OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED A GOOD LINE! YOU BASTARDS!  
  
Frank emerged from the freezer looking exhausted carrying the bloody ice pick and trailing blood.  
  
YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A TAMPON FRANK!  
  
Frank dropped the ice pick on the floor and Janet kept screaming.  
  
STOP - HAMMERTIME!  
  
WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER YOU SUCK OFF A BANKER?  
  
" One from the vaults." Frank said chuckling sweetly.  
  
Neville had meanwhile curled into a tiny, tiny ball on the floor of the theatre babbling incoherently about his impending doom, while Snape sat back and relished the thought of offing Longbottom.  
  
"It's almost worth having to fondle Malfoy." He mused aloud. Draco made odd retching noises while Neville moaned louder and ran from the theatre crying, "I'm fucked! Oh man, I'm so fucked!"  
  
A GREASER FROM THE FREEZER LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL  
  
Frank slipped off his rubber gloves and handed them to Magenta.  
  
MAGENTA KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH BLOODY GLOVES - GIVE THEM TO THE LAPD, TO PUT IN OJ'S VAN!  
  
Rocky had been trapped by frank in the elevator lift during the whole fiasco and was now clamoring to get out. "Ugh..." he wailed plaintively.  
  
I'M PISSED. BOY, I'M PISSED. I AM SO PISSED!  
  
Frank opened the door and crooned softly to Rocky, "Oh Baby...."  
  
I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS OH ROCKY!  
  
I'M UPSET!  
  
"...Don't be upset...."  
  
I'M FUCKING PISSED!  
  
"WHAT SORT OF KILLING WAS IT?  
  
"....It was a mercy killing..." Frank consoled Rocky, running his hands up and down Rocky's arms.  
  
BULLSHIT! A MESSY KILLING  
  
Columbia finally stopped screaming, as did Janet. Magenta looked extremely bored as she picked up ice cubes and threw them into a bucket.  
  
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT? I WAS ONLY TENDERIZING THE MEATLOAF!  
  
"....He had a certain naive charm...." Frank continued, leading rocky away from the elevator lift.  
  
WHAT DID HE LACK?  
  
but no muscle  
  
SHOW US YOUR MUSCLE, ROCK!  
  
Rocky flexed his biceps happily, showing off his perfect arms to an adoring frank.  
  
NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE!  
  
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..  
  
Frank resumed singing gaily (in more ways than one) "But a deltoid and a bicep..."  
  
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..BUT-TA?! DELTOID!?  
  
WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRANK?  
  
"....A hot groin and a tricep..."  
  
Magenta walked onscreen, and riff Raff fiddled with some switches in the background, revealing a bridal chamber where the wall used to be.  
  
"...Makes me, oooh, shake, Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...."  
  
BALLS?!  
  
".....ha-ha-hand..." sang Frank grandly, "In just seven days...."  
  
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!  
  
"....I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aan..."  
  
HE CAN YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!  
  
"....I don't want no dissention, Just dynamic tension...."  
  
SING IT, BITCH!  
  
Janet broke free of Brad;s restraining grasp and sang shrilly, "I'm a muscle fan!"  
  
SHUT UP, BITCH!  
  
"...In just seven days..." Frank resumed,  
  
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!  
  
"...I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aaan...."  
  
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!  
  
"..Dig it if you can..."  
  
JUST LIKE YOUR DAD!  
  
"..In just seven days...."  
  
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!  
  
"....I can make you a man...."  
  
Frank linked Rocky's arm with his and proceeded to lead him onto the bridal chamber as an electric guitar bridal song blared over the loudspeakers.  
  
WHO INVITED JIMI HENDRIX!?  
  
As Rocky and Frank walked down the aisle to their bed, everyone in the audience threw confetti.  
  
ASSUME THE POSITION!  
  
The scene faded to black as Draco ran screaming from the theatre.  
  
Ginny leaned over to Hermione and cheered gleefully, "They're dropping like flies! I love it!"  
  
Onscreen, the camera was now in the narrator's study. The narrator himself sat placidly behind his desk, ready to launch into another monologue.  
  
I SAY LIFE IS AN ILLUSION  
  
"There are some who say that life is an illusion...." the narrator intoned seriously.  
  
THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY YOUR FUCKING NECK IS AN ILLUSION!  
  
"...and reality is but a figment of the imagination..."  
  
SO'S YOUR FUCKING NECK!  
  
"....If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe..."  
  
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!  
  
".....however...."  
  
THERE'S ALWAYS A HOWEVER!  
  
"...the sudden departure of their host...."  
  
AND YOUR FUCKING NECK !  
  
"...and his...."  
  
NECK  
  
"...creation...."  
  
AND HIS NECK TOO!  
  
"...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite and left them feeling.."  
  
NECKLESS? HORNY?!  
  
"..both apprehensive and uneasy.."  
  
AND NECKLESS!  
  
"....a feeling which grew..."  
  
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!  
  
"....as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms."  
  
YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO DIRTY!  
  
Meanwhile, back at the laboratory, brad and Janet were being escorted to their separate rooms by riff-Raff and Magenta respectively. Magenta showed Janet into a darkened red room and rudely shut the door. Janet fumbled around in the dark, trying to get her bearings.  
  
PINK IS FOR VIRGINS BUT RED IS FOR SLUTS! WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING BASIN!  
  
LOOK OUT, THERE'S HOLY WATER IN THAT BOWL!  
  
Janet crashed into a small bedside table that held a basin full of water, effectively splashing herself with the contents of the basin.  
  
BURNS, DON'T IT BITCH  
  
Janet peered into a corner of the room, where there was a camera watching her every movement.  
  
HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE, HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING BRAD, AND WHEN YOU MASTURBATE!  
  
HEY, TRANSYLVANIAN HBO!  
  
I WANT MY MTV!  
  
HBO - HOMOSEXUAL BOX OFFICE!  
  
Riff-Raff showed Brad into a room identical to the one Janet had been escorted into, except that his was blue instead of red.  
  
BLUE IS FOR ASSHOLES!  
  
SAME ROOM, DIFFERENT FILTER. WHAT A CHEAP MOVIE!  
  
SAME LINE, DIFFERENT WEEK. WHAT A CHEAP AUDIENCE!  
  
The scene faded back to Janet's room, where there was a knock at the door.  
  
IMITATION ASSHOLE CALLING, 20% MORE FILLING!  
  
NEVER WORRY, NEVER FEAR, FRANK THE WONDER FUCK IS HERE! FAT OR SKINNY, THICK OR THIN, FRANKIE ALWAYS GETS IT IN! TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, FRANKIE'S FUCKS ARE ALWAYS GREAT! YEAH, FRANKIE!  
  
A strange howling was heard in the background and Janet tensed visibly.  
  
SHUT UP, MAGENTA  
  
"Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?" She called out nervously.  
  
IT'S THE MILKMAN!  
  
"It's only me, Janet." Brad's voice called out soothingly as he slipped into the room  
  
"Oh, Brad darling, come in." She held her arms out to him.  
  
AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN!  
  
Brad and Janet's silhouettes were the only things the audience could make out, as brad settled on top of his fiancée.  
  
"Oh! Brad, Oh Brad. Yes, my darling..... but what if......" Janet giggled as brad joined her in the bed.  
  
DON'T WORRY, I BROUGHT A RUBBER!  
  
Brad stroked Janet soothingly, and said in a soft voice, "It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be all right."  
  
DON'T FUCK WITH THE HAIR, BITCH!  
  
"Oh, I hope so, my darling." Janet giggled and lay back, entwining her fingers in brads hair.  
  
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GERBIL, HUGH?  
  
"Oh..... Ah.... ah OHHH! Oh, it's you!" Janet shrieked as she pulled a wig off of brad's hair only to reveal none other than Frank.  
  
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS HUGH!  
  
WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE HAIR!  
  
"I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice?" Frank teased, not moving from his position on top of jaunt  
  
NO, BUT IT CERTAINLY IS WEISS!  
  
" Oh, you beast, you monster...... Oh what have you done with Brad?" Janet cried as she beat at frank with ineffective fists.  
  
NOTHING YET, HE'S SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST  
  
"Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?" Frank said, a bit too eagerly.  
  
" You tricked.... I wouldn't have....." Janet cried incoherently.  
  
YES YOU WOULD!  
  
I've never... never... " Janet sobbed wildly as she sat up.  
  
NEVER? NEVER EVER? NEVER EVER EVER?  
  
WHAT ABOUT THE FOOTBALL TEAM, BOY SCOUTS, AND THE GIRL SCOUTS, AND THE CHEARLEADING SQUAD?  
  
THAT WAS JUST PRACTICE!  
  
"Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?" Frank replied, hoping to worm his way into her good graces, or her panties.  
  
IT ISN'T ALL BRAD EITHER!  
  
"...I think you really found it quite pleasurable." Frank said slyly.  
  
"Oh, stop..." Janet cried, trying desperately to get out from under Frank.  
  
{ "DON'T, STOP, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP  
  
"....I mean help... brad brad!... oh brad!!" Janet called out loudly.  
  
HE'S NOT DOWN THERE! HE'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!  
  
" Shhh." Frank admonished, effectively silencing her, "Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you..."  
  
HOW DO YOU FUCK SMALL FARM ANIMALS?  
  
"....like....this!" Frank cried as he pulled Janet's legs up, causing her to simultaneously straddle him, and lay flat on her back  
  
AASUME THE POSITION!  
  
"Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame..." Janet sobbed.  
  
NO! SUE'S TO BLAME!  
  
"Oh.....I was saving myself......" Janet said, sounding a bit less resistant than she had a minute ago.  
  
FOR WHAT? A RAINY DAY? LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH, IT'S POURING!  
  
"Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...." Frank encouraged.  
  
ANYBODY GOT A CHANGE FOR A PENNY?!  
  
"Promise you won't tell Brad? She whispered  
  
SLUT!  
  
I GUESS SO, BUT IS IT OKAY IF I FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT ANYWAY?  
  
Frank said solemnly, "Cross my heart and hope to die....."  
  
STICK A DILDO IN MY EYE, NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SPREAD YOU THIGHS!  
  
The two shillouetted melded together and soon there was nothing but the sound of Janet giggling and some strange sucking noises.  
  
OK! NOW SHE'S A SLUT!  
  
"Oh, god! Oh my god! What are you doing to Hermione?!" Ron was near tears, realizing what was going to have to happen onstage between his best friend and the professor from hell.  
  
"Well, I was kind of looking forward to it, actually," Hermione mused aloud.  
  
There was a loud thud as Ron's unconscious hit the floor.  
  
Miss Granger, I do believe we will have to start rehearsing this scene as soon as we return to the castle." Snape whispered to her.  
  
"It will be my pleasure, sir." She replied, smiling wickedly.  
  
"Ten bucks says the pleasure's not all hers." Remus bet Sirius.  
  
"You're on!"  
  
*****  
  
Sometimes I feel as if I have created a monster. How is it that my little but of crap has garnered such a faithful following. It's damned intimidating. I really don't want to disappoint any of you and it's all getting so big and I think my head is going to explode! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG! Anyway, that's enough of my self-pitying ranting. I think I'll go eat ten packets of pop-rocks now.  
  
Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind, Review. 


	17. Vaginamancy

I know, I know. I'm a fucking cunt rag bitch who deserves to die for not updating in so long. Kill me now. I deserve it really I do. I'll be honest with you, because I think you deserve for me to be honest with you. This delay was caused by pure, unadulterated laziness. I just didn't want to work on it, plain and simple. There you go. This chapter is a couple of pages longer than usual, which, oddly enough, is why it took a bit longer to write as well. It would have been posted on Friday, but I went on vacation over the weekend. Yeah, I did! My family and I went to the Big Easy. New Orleans for a whole weekend! It was great! I went to Bourbon Street, and I ate Gumbo and Crawdads, and I shopped at the French Market, and picked up some beads and bought me a new Mardi Gras mask. Yeah, enough of that. On with the show.  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 16 or 17 (I lost count): Vaginamancy  
  
*****  
  
The next scene opened up with Riff Raff mopping and Magenta on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. Riff raff paused in his cleaning and looked over Magenta. The pair met eyes and smiled evilly at each other. Riff Raff dropped the mop and walked over to rocky.  
  
"HEY, MAGENTA. I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA. YOU STAND HERE AND FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE MOP, AND I'LL GO GIVE THE MONSTER A HOT WAX ENEMA! ALL THAT IN ONE GLANCE. GOD, I LOVE THAT MAN. GREAT ASS, TOO  
  
Magenta watched her brother leave, a wicked gleam in her eyes.  
  
LOOK AT MY BROTHER! HE'S SO FINE!  
  
Riff Raff made his way to Rocky's chamber, where the non-man was chained down on the black satin sheets.  
  
ROCKY TAKES IT UP THE ASS, DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH RIFF RAFF DOES IT TWICE AS FAST, OH DOO-DAH-DAY. GONNA FUCK ALL NIGHT, GONNA FUCK ALL DAY. BIG OR SMALL, THICK OR THIN, CANDLEWAX WILL GET IT IN  
  
WHAT'S HOT, WHITE AND STICKY?  
  
CANDLE WAX, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK  
  
NOT THE 30-PRONGED DILDO!  
  
Riff Raff grabbed a large, freestanding candelabra and started waving it at Rocky.  
  
COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE!  
  
LONG OR SHORT, THICK OR THIN, VASELINE WILL GET IT IN. ON YOUR BACK, OR ON YOUR BELLY, THINGS GO BEST WITH KY JELLY BUT THAT CANDELABRA WILL NEVER EVER FIT  
  
HEY RIFF-RAFF, ARE YOU FRIEND OR ENEMA?  
  
ENEMA MOTHERFUCKER!  
  
Riff Raff continued to wave the lit candelabra at Rocky, who became agitated and afraid, pulling on his chains and trying to get away.  
  
RIFF RAFF SAYS... HAPPY HANUKAH MOTHER FUCKER!  
  
HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE FIRE, SCARECROW?  
  
Rocky pulled free of the chains, and brought the bedcurtains down on riff raff's head before running away.  
  
STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WHIPS AND CHAINS EXCITE ME  
  
LOOKS LIKE IT'S CURTAINS FOR THE BUTLER  
  
Rocky ran past magenta, and started to climb down the elevator shaft, king Kong style.  
  
IT'S ROCKY KONG JR.  
  
YOU FORGOT YOUR FREE SAMPLE!  
  
Riff-Raff threw a candle don the elevator shaft down after Rocky.  
  
HEY, SIS, WATCH ME MAKE A TABLE OUT OF THIN AIR  
  
Riff raff proceeded to set don the candelabra on a table that apparently came out of nowhere., because it sure as hell wasn't there a second ago. He approached Magenta, and the two of them began touching their elbows in a very creep fashion.  
  
ELBOW SEX! ELBOW SEX!  
  
IF YOU CAN'T KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, AT LEAST KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY!  
  
INCEST IS BEST, PUT YOUR SISTER TO THE TEST!  
  
THE CLOSER THE RELATION, THE DEEPER THE PENETRATION!  
  
Riff Raff leaned forward and proceeded to bite magenta on n the neck.  
  
HEY, THERE'S A COCKROACH ON MAGENTA'S NE... OH, YOU FOUND IT  
  
On the monitor, rocky was shown wandering about the gardens of the castle, frantically running.  
  
WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?!  
  
"BATHROOM'S TO THE LEFT.  
  
On the monitor, rocky made an abrupt turn to the right.  
  
LEFT!  
  
ROCKY HORROR SEX SCENE, TAKE TWO! BLUE FILTER  
  
The screen flashed to Brad's bedroom, which looked exactly like Janet's but for the blue lights.  
  
NEVER WORRY NEVER FEAR, FRANK THE WONDER FUCK IS HERE!  
  
"Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us." Janet burst in, almost frantic.  
  
"Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning." Brad comforted her in a soothing voice, putting his arms around her.  
  
Janet cooed, "Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective."  
  
LIKE A GOOD CONDOM!  
  
DON'T FUCK WITH THE HAIR!  
  
Inevitably, Brad did indeed fuck with the hair, and Frank's blonde wig slipped off.  
  
"Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!" Brad cried in a non-manly fashion.  
  
WHO'D YOU EXPECT?  
  
"I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice..." Frank intoned, stroking brad's back.  
  
YES, BUT IT CERTAINLY ISN'T WEISS!  
  
"Why YOU! What have you done with Janet?" Brad yelled angrily.  
  
FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF HER - AND NOW I'M GONNA FUCK THE SHIT BACK INTO YOU!  
  
"Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?" Frank sounded excited at the prospect.  
  
LIAR!  
  
You tricked me, I wouldn't have!" Brad continued yelling.  
  
YES YOU WOULD!  
  
"Never never... never..." Brad's resolve was growing weaker and weaker before the awesome power of Frank's ministrations.  
  
ONLY FAIRIES DO IT IN NEVER-NEVER LAND!  
  
What about the Boy Scouts? What about the Cub Scouts? I hear you're up to three packs a day!"  
  
"Oh yes, yes, I know... but it isn't all bad, is it?" Frank coaxed persuasively.  
  
NO, BUT THIS TIME IT'S ALL BRAD!  
  
Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it." Frank continued, as Brad moaned loudly under him. Harry was also moaning, but that was because he had just vomited on the theatre floor.  
  
"Oh... so soft..." Frank crooned, as he continued to stroke brad gently.  
  
DON'T, STOP, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP!  
  
"Stop it... stop it... oh Janet... JANET!" Brad cried, suddenly sitting up.  
  
SHE'S NOT DOWN THERE, SHE'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!  
  
Frank reasoned, "Janet's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you.."  
  
HOW DO YOU FUCK LARGE BARN ANIMALS?  
  
"...like THIS?" Frank said, as he grasped Brad's legs and hauled them upwards, sending the other man sprawling onto his back, with his legs straight up in the air.  
  
ASSUME THE POSITION!  
  
Frank bent down to continue his ministrations and brad once again began to moan.  
  
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF AN ASSHOLE?  
  
ONE...TWO...THREE...CRUNCH!  
  
Brad yelled aloud. "Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame," he cried accusatorily at Frank.  
  
NO, SUE'S TO BLAME!  
  
"I thought it was the real thing!" He protested.  
  
IT IS!  
  
"Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?" Frank teased.  
  
HE LOVED IT!  
  
"It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad." He continued.  
  
IT IS IN TEXAS! EVERYTHING'S A CRIME IN TEXAS, UNLESS YOU'RE WEARING YOUR SEATBELT, BUT WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!  
  
Frank pleaded with Brad, saying, "We've wasted so much time already... Janet needn't know, I won't tell her..."  
  
"Well, promise you won't tell..." Brad nearly whispered.  
  
WHERE DO YOU HAVE SEX, FRANK?  
  
"On my mother's gra-oouuuuu..." Frank's answer was cut short as he bent over brad's prone form.  
  
DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!  
  
BRAD DIDN'T WANT TO BE GAY, HE JUST GOT SUCKED INTO IT!  
  
As the scene faded to black, Snape and Harry ran from the theatre screaming.  
  
"They're dropping like flies! I love it!" Cried Ginny gleefully.  
  
"How is this in any way good?! If this keeps up, we're not going to have a cast left!" Cho wailed.  
  
Hermione joined in the lament. "We have to do something, and fast! Neville's about ready to quit, and Harry and Snape are not thrilled at the idea of sleeping with each other, and I know Ron's not to jazzed at being your boyfriend, Ginny. What are we going to do?"  
  
Holding her hands up for silence, Ginny announced, "Girls, I have a plan."  
  
"Explain thyself, Virginia" Hermione commanded.  
  
"My plan is twofold. Number one: give them a reason to stay. And number B: hit them where it hurts. " She said, smiling wickedly, and licking her lips suggestively.  
  
"Brilliant! It's the perfect form of bribery." Cho jumped up and down gleefully, much to the dismay of the other movie patrons.  
  
We'll be back in a minute, headmaster." Hermione called, as the girl's made their way out of the theatre.  
  
"Where are the three of you going." Dumbledore said, half rising from his seat.  
  
"Well, we were...um...I was.." Hermione and Cho faltered, failing to find a good, non-perverse reason for leaving so suddenly.  
  
"We're going to convince the lost sheep to enter the fold once more, using special magical powers that only we women can posses." Interrupted Ginny, flashing a winning smile at the old headmaster.  
  
"Well, that's all right then," Dumbledore replied, settling himself back into his chair.  
  
"Jesus, Gin! Couldn't you just tell him we were going to the loo?!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"It's Dumbledore! He probably knows anyway." Ginny reasoned.  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Remus, where are you going?" Sirius called as Remus left his seat to follow the three girls.  
  
Remus called back over his shoulder, "If they are going to do what I think they're going to do, then there is no way in HELL I am missing that."  
  
*****  
  
Two minutes later, the girls were standing in the men's lavatory of the theatre, trying to convince Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville and Snape not to drown themselves in the toilets.  
  
"Don't do it! We need you!" Hermione cried, trying desperately to pull Ron away from the brink of both madness and the toilet bowl.  
  
"I'm not gay! And I'm not going to take it, or anything else for that matter, up the ass!" Draco's voice came out from behind the door of the third cubicle.  
  
"But you already do!" was Hermione's rapid-fire retort.  
  
"I'm going to pretend you did not just day that." Draco's struggled to sound dignified, as he knelt in front of the porcelain bowl, his head already halfway in.  
  
"Miss Granger, there is no way in hell you are getting me to seduce both Harry and Draco, and though I must admit the prospect of ax-murdering Longbottom is indeed excellent motivation, the cons badly outnumber the pros. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I'm going to kill myself now." Snape's hand was poised just above the handle of the toilet and closing in quickly. He was actually going to flush his head in toilet water!  
  
"If you come back and at least watch the rest of the movie, then Ginny, Cho and I will make out for a minute," Ginny called out.  
  
Complete silence reigned, before Draco called back suspiciously, "With whom?"  
  
"With each other, you fucking prat," Cho replied, voice heavy with irritation. Remus looked as if he had just died and gone to heaven.  
  
*****  
  
Precisely one minute and thirty seconds after that, Draco, Ron, Neville, Harry, Remus, and Snape made their way back into the theatre.  
  
"Best minute of my life" Draco exclaimed.  
  
"Totally worth it!" Harry agreed.  
  
"Indeed" Was Snape's only reply. The rest were too awestruck at what they had just seen to formulate any other reply. Besides, their blood supply was busy fueling other things, except for Ron, who looked about ready to gauge his eyes out with bamboo skewers.  
  
Ginny, Cho and Hermione followed close behind, each reapplying their badly smeared lipstick.  
  
"Girls, what the hell kind of special magic was that?" Remus asked.  
  
Hermione smiled up at him and replied, "Vaginamancy."  
  
*****  
  
Onscreen, Janet was back in Frank's lab, staring at a monitor that depicted Brad and Frank in bed. Brad was smoking a cigarette, and Frank looked like a cat that had eaten not one, not two, but twenty-three fat, shiny yellow canaries.  
  
"Oh, Brad, Oh Brad - How could you?" She sobbed, conveniently forgetting that she herself had allowed frank to take some rather liberal liberties with her.  
  
IT WAS EASY, NO PANTYHOSE!  
  
HEY, THERE'S A MONSTER OVER HERE WITH A FRIGGIN HUGE DICK! AND IT VIBRATES TOO! THAT'S RIGHT, COME AND GET IT...  
  
Janet turned slowly as she heard moans and cried of pain from the rainbow colored tank. She walked over to it, only to find rocky nursing various scrapes and burns all over his body.  
  
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE SINS OF MASTURBATION: FRICTION BURNS  
  
"Oh, but you are hurt..." Janet cried, feeling compassion for the poor, near-naked brute.  
  
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!  
  
"Did they do this to you?" She cried indignantly.  
  
THEY SURE DID, THE SNIVELING SHITS  
  
"I'll dress your wounds..." she consoled.  
  
AND UNDRESS ME!  
  
Janet began ripping strips of her slip to make bandages for Rocky.  
  
JANET'S INTO BANDAGE!  
  
"Let me make it all better." She said softly, a wicked gleam creeping into her eyes.  
  
HI, MY NAME IS ROCKY HORROR. WANNA FUCK?  
  
SCHWING  
  
HEY JANET - LOOK THREE WAYS AND SMILE IF YOU WANNA FUCK  
  
Janet looked both to her left and right before looking straight at rocky and smiling wickedly.  
  
JANET, BEING THE CONSCIENTIOUS AND WELL-TRAINED SLUT, LOOKS BOTH WAYS BEFORE FUCKING STRANGE MUSCLEMEN. LEFT? CHECK. RIGHT? CHECK. IT'S ALL CLEAR, JANET, GO FOR IT  
  
One of the ushers came over to the group and took a visibly excited Cho away so she could get ready for the lesbian scene.  
  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE AEROSMITH SONG?  
  
SWEEET...  
  
"Emotion," the narrator broke in, reading from a dictionary, "agitation or disturbance of the mind... Vehement or excited mental state.  
  
AND YOU CAN ONLY READ ABOUT IT, NO-NECK!  
  
"It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what magenta..."  
  
MAGENTER  
  
WHAT'S A 'MAGENTER'?  
  
ONE WHO MAGENTS  
  
HOW DO YOU MAGENT?  
  
WITH BOTH HANDS, AND 2 'D'-CELL BATTERIES!  
  
"....and Columbia eagerly viewed on the television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed.."  
  
A NYMPHOMANIAC? A SLUT? ABOUT TO GET LAID?  
  
"...Its slave." He finished gravely.  
  
SAME THING!  
  
Magenta and Columbia sat painting each other's toes, watching Janet seduce Rocky on their monitor screen. "Tell us about it, Janet." They said, in high, nasal voices.  
  
"I was feeling done in...." Janet sang to Rocky, caressing his upper body and arms all the while.  
  
AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN..  
  
DESCRIBE THE DALLAS COWBOYS!  
  
"...couldn't win. I'd only ever kissed before...."  
  
WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!  
  
"You mean she's...." Columbia exclaimed, staring at the monitor in disbelief.  
  
CATHOLIC? A LIAR?  
  
BOTH!  
  
"Uh-huh." Nodded Magenta.  
  
A-WHORE!  
  
"I though there's no use getting...." Janet continued, touching rocky in very confusing ways.  
  
LAID?  
  
"..Into heavy petting.."  
  
SAME THING!  
  
Janet slipped her hands down Rocky's tiny shorts.  
  
REJECT THAT HAND IN THE NAME OF BOB!  
  
"..It only leads to trouble and...." Janet continued,  
  
STRETCH MARKS?  
  
"...seat wetting."  
  
YAY WET SEATS!  
  
"Now all I want to know is how to go.."  
  
HOW TO GO DOWN, YOU MEAN!  
  
"I've tasted blood..."  
  
CUM  
  
"....and I want more1"  
  
LESS  
  
Columbia and Magenta yelled "More," humping Cho from both sides every time.  
  
LESS  
  
"More," sang Magenta and Columbia, enthusiastically pounding Cho.  
  
LESS  
  
"More!" This time, it was Cho doing the yelling.  
  
LESS  
  
"I'll put up no resistance..."  
  
YOU NEVER DID, SLUT!  
  
"...I want to stay..."  
  
FUCK  
  
"...the distance."  
  
SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOUR DISTANCE!  
  
"I've got an itch to scratch..."  
  
OR AN ITCHY SNATCH!  
  
"I need assistance. Toucha toucha toucha touch me!"  
  
Several of the people in the audience leapt out of their seats and ran towards the screen, attempting to touch Janet before the camera angle changed. Onscreen, rocky was fondling Janet's breast.  
  
GOT MILK?  
  
"Hey Granger, Do you mind if we start practicing now?"  
  
"Get you hands off my dirty pillows, Malfoy, before I lodge your testicles inside your pelvis."  
  
"But you'd have to touch them in order to do that right?"  
  
"Nah. I can get one of the boys to do it for me. They'll jump at the possibility of rendering you infertile."  
  
Draco decided that the best course of action was to remove his hands from their current position atop Hermione's boobies.  
  
Onscreen, Janet was wailing, "I want to be diiiiiiirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me..."  
  
WHO'S BATMAN?  
  
"Creature of the night! Then if anything grows while you pose .."  
  
IT WON'T, HE'S GAY  
  
"...I'll oil you up and rub you down!"  
  
UP!  
  
Magenta and Columbia once again echoed "Down," and humped Cho, who appeared to be enjoying herself immensely.  
  
UP  
  
"Down!" The three girls yelled, rubbing up against each other furiously.  
  
UP  
  
"Down!"  
  
UP  
  
"And that's just one small fraction..." Janet continued to warble nasaly,  
  
SIX NINTHS?  
  
"...of the main attraction...."  
  
MAIN ERECTION!  
  
"..You need a friendly hand.."  
  
MY OWN WORKS FINE  
  
"...and I need action...." Janet sang as she unhooked her bra, leaving her breasts bare for Rocky to ogle.  
  
HEY, FRANK DIDN'T HAVE THESE!  
  
"..Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night!" Really, Susan Sarandon should be banned from singing in a high soprano voice.  
  
Columbia mimicked Janet, running her hands up and down her body, and singing lustily, "Toucha toucha toucha touch me!"  
  
Magenta joined in, feeling Cho up in the process, "I want to be dirty!"  
  
"Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!" Columbia sang back.  
  
"Creature of the night." They both sang.  
  
FUCK HER, SHE'S A DYKE!  
  
"Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I want to be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night." Janet continued singing, as she lay down in the rainbow tank with rocky on top of her.  
  
"Creature of the night!" Rocky sang, grinning madly.  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Brad was now the one pictured atop of Janet. "Creature of the night?" he sang confusedly.  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Frank appeared to replace Brad. "Creature of the night." He sang seductively.  
  
TOO MUCH MAKEUP!  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Magenta replaced Frank and continued singing. "Creature of the night!"  
  
TOO MUCH HAIR!  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Riff Raff came next. "Creature of the night!" He sang in a most sinister fashion.  
  
NOT ENOUGH HAIR!  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Columbia replaced Riff Raff, and sang nasally, "Creature of the night!"  
  
OH GOD!  
  
SWITCH!  
  
Rocky came next, and he was still grinning madly from ear to ear. "Creature of the night!"  
  
NO FAIR! ROCKY GOT SECONDS!  
  
SLOPPY SECONDS!  
  
SWITCH!  
  
"Creature of the night!" Janet's voice was heard as the scene faded to black.  
  
The scene changed to show riff Raff being whipped by Frank.  
  
FACE IT, RIFF, YOU'RE WHIPPED  
  
" Owwwwwwwww!" Riff Raff cried as the whip bit into his flesh.  
  
HIT HIM! HIT HIM AGAIN! HIT HIM HARDER!  
  
SAY THANK YOU! SAY IT IN FRENCH  
  
"Mercy!" Riff Raff cried.  
  
BEAUCOUP!  
  
THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?  
  
"How did it happen?" Frank shouted, enraged at the thought of his new plaything being lost.  
  
BEATS ME, BUT I HAVE A HUNCH!  
  
"I understand you were to be watching..." Frank pointed at Riff Raff accusatorily.  
  
Riff Raff pleaded with frank, "I was only away for a minute...."  
  
DOING WHAT?  
  
"..master."  
  
BATING!  
  
"Well, see if you can find him on a monitor."  
  
"Master, master... we have a visitor." Riff Raff pointed to a monitor, which showed a man in a wheelchair knocking on the front door.  
  
*****  
  
Well, there you have it. The next chapter is a bit under half done, so it should be out within a reasonable amount of time. Or so I say...The concept of Vaginamancy was borrowed from this incredible web cartoon that I am a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fan of called "Something Positive" I hightly recommend it to everyone.  
  
Here's the link:  
  
www.somethingpositive.net  
  
thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind, review. 


	18. And now for something Completely Differe...

I have actual good reasons for this delay!  
  
First!) I found a job! I actually found a job! And now I work nine to five in an office building downtown. Yes, having a job rather blows and places time restrictions on my hectic life, but on the upside I'm getting paid! And now I shall have money to go to California for two weeks! And there's this hot Argentinean guy who always goes into the office for some reason! Huzzah to hot foreign men! He's seriously viscous choice hot, except that he took half my box of Everlasting Gobstoppers today, so phooey on him for that. But he's hot so I'll forgive him.  
  
Second!) I got very, very tired of writing the story. Simple as that. The way the story was progressing was stale and unchallenging and I was having no fun writing it. So I just didn't write. When I did write, it was a chore. I had to force myself to do it, and that's never good.  
  
Third!) I threw out my whole chapter plan for the foreseeable future. I had the next few episodes all planned out. They were basically the same as the last few, where everyone was still watching the movie. But then I realized that if I was having this much trouble reading it, then you guys would have just as much trouble reading it, so I said, "Fuck it!" and erased everything I had done. I started over; doing things that I thought would help make the story interesting again, as well as fun for me to write. So it took me a while to think of a new way to pick of the story and to make a non-awkward transition from the movie bit to character involvement.  
  
Fourth) I'M BLIND! No, really. I got this weird thing in my eye. Corneal inflammation is what the doctor calls it. Anyway, what it means is that my right eye really, really hates light and I can't use my contacts. And I don't have a pair of back-up glasses. And without any sort of corrective lenses, I'm legally blind. So, as I type this, I have only one contact on and I have a splitting migraine because of the light from my computer screen and the fact that everything viewed through my right eye is a fuzzy mess. I'm only typing because I don't want to delay you guys any longer than I already have, plus I'm really excited about what I'm going to be doing with the story. Yay! Writing is fun again! Except for the blinding headache bit.  
  
So here is the end result of all this. I haven't come up with anything to bridge the gap between where I am in the story and where I know the story should be. This is the beginning of a story arc that will hopefully take us through the rest of the duration of the movie and into the Rehearsal chapters. This is only the beginning.  
  
Think of this chapter as an appetizer before the main course, or foreplay before real sex.  
  
Hello to the imagery. Very nice.  
  
Thanks for bearing with me and for supporting my ramblings. You truly are the best.  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 19: And Now For Something Completely Different  
  
*****  
  
"You know what?" Hermione once again leaned over Snape's lap, placing her hands just near enough to his special area to make him shift uncomfortably. She grinned innocently and pretended not to notice hoe the usually stoic potions master squirmed like a skewered snake under her subtle snuggling.  
  
"What?  
  
"I'm tired of the movie"  
  
Me too" Ginny agreed heartily." As much fun as it is to yell things and watch Tim Curry sodomise Barry Bostwick, I think I'm up for other activities."  
  
"Bugger this! Let's go do something else! It's still early!" Hermione jumped out of her seat and winked gaily at Professor Snape as she tried to step over his long legs. "Ah, the eternal question, professor. Will it be the ass or the crotch?"  
  
"I can assure you, Miss Granger, that whichever you choose will be highly appreciated."  
  
In the end, the ass won out.  
  
Um, 'Mione? S'almost two in the morning." Neville spoke up hesitantly. As much as he wanted to escape the movie from hell, he wasn't sure a late evening out with a crazed Hermione would be any more wholesome or any less perverted.  
  
"So? Still time for mischief, I think" Hermione winked saucily at him as she grabbed his arm and hauled him after her.  
  
"Agreed!" Malfoy shouted, pumping the air with his fists, "Let's blow this Popsicle stand!"  
  
"Oh, you children go on. Minerva and I will stay here and finish viewing the film." Dumbledore waved cheerily at them while the deputy headmistress sent silent please for help in their direction, which everyone cheerfully ignored.  
  
"You coming, sir?" Hermione asked Snape.  
  
He snorted and stood, carefully adjusting his short dress so that the least amount of his anatomy was covered. "And endure another minute of this hellish torture?" He asked sarcastically, "Not on your life"  
  
"You do realize the other option is spending a Saturday night out with your least favorite students." Harry pointed out skeptically.  
  
Snape nodded and replied, "Yes, but I consider it the lesser of the two evils. Don't do anything that would change that particular opinion, Potter, for the love of all you hold sacred."  
  
"I shall strive to live up to your hellishly high expectations, though I have a sinking suspicion that you'll be sorely disappointed."  
  
"It can't be any worse than discovering that I must sodomize both you and Malfoy"  
  
"Really?" Ginny exclaimed disbelieving. "You actually think that's bad?! I'd look forward to that particular opportunity any day!"  
  
Ron stared at her as if she had sprouted horns and begun to breathe fire. "I renounce you! You are dead to me!"  
  
"Bite me," Ginny said sweetly, then squealed when Harry leaned over her and did exactly that.  
  
"Oi! Harry, that's me sister you're nibbling on!" Ron tried to separate Harry's teeth from Ginny's neck, but failed.  
  
Harry shrugged a shoulder and smiled with wicked red lips, "She offered"  
  
"And if you don't lay off, Ronald, I'll let you know exactly what else I've offered!" Ginny's voice carried a warning tone.  
  
Neville began to scream, "Must fight mental images! Must fight images!"  
  
"Oh really know, Virginia. Like what?" Hermione knew it was wrong, but figured it would be worth it to see Ron's face when he heard Ginny's tasty description of how she was deflowered by the boy who lived.  
  
"Well, the name 'Virginia' stopped being pertinent a long time ago. Right when Harry stuck his-"  
  
"Images winning! Images winning!" Neville had curled into a fetal position on the floor and was now rocking aback and forth, sobbing loudly.  
  
"Damn you! If there's anything I could live without knowing it is the mating habits of hormonal teenagers! now if you will not stop your lewd squabbling and get your hormonal arses out of this theatre right now, I swear to god, I will hex you all into next month and render you infertile for life!" Snape was foaming at the mouth, his hands clamped firmly over his ears.  
  
"Jesus, Are all you Brits such Drama queens?" Dorie exclaimed, shepherding the group out of the theatre, "You couldn't have just said 'shut up and get the hell out'?"  
  
"Miss Dorie, if you have nothing beneficial to add I suggest you keep your mouth shut. If you want to criticize my methods, fine. But you can keep your snide remarks to yourself. And while you're at it, don't criticize my methods!"  
  
"Again with the usage of words! Couldn't you have just said 'Shut the hell up?"  
  
"Shut. The. Hell. Up." Snape ground out from between clenched teeth. If his teeth had been made of charcoal, he would have a mouthful of diamonds right about now.  
  
"Shutting." Dorie replied sweetly. "Notice the economy of phrasing there. 'Shutting.' Simple. Direct. Concise."  
  
Remus and Sirius strove unceasingly not to snicker, as they restrained Severus from strangling their sarcastic tour guide.  
  
"Um, where are we going?" Remus asked.  
  
"The girls room"  
  
"Why"  
  
"We're to play a game."  
  
"What kinda game?"  
  
"I have never."  
  
"Have never what?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
*****  
  
Next chapter is mostly a filler chapter where our heroes play a fun game of "I have never" while I come up with definite story lines. Thanks you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind. Review. 


	19. THAT was an overshare!

'Allo, 'Allo! Yeah! Go me! Eyes are all better now, and I have a new pair of spiffy glasses that make me look all smart and cool. Here's a lovely little game of I Have Never... along with some stuff you probably never wanted to know...  
  
Not really good at the responding to things, but I feel really bad about the lack f updates, so I'm making a concentrated effort here. So this is Me, responding to certain reviews now: (it's the interaction part of the day!)  
  
To Lily: I was surprised how much like the 'Cannon Ginny'my Ginny turned out to be! It totally freaked me out. I nearly got her dead on, didn't I? That wasn't at all planned, but it's still pretty damn neat, isn't it? Don't think I'll have Umbridge in the story. I'm way too far gone into my own little world to worry about what JK's doing in hers.  
  
To Purple Monkey D: I don't think I'll be reflecting the changes that occurred in Order of the phoenix. In fact, I think it would be damned stupid of me. First off, I would have to start over entirely, and that would suck. Secondly, fanfiction is all about taking a story you love and making it your own. If every fanfic writer went out and changed everything so that it reflects what JK does, then there would not be much of a point in writing fanfic at all. And I'm in Dallas. As far as I know, there's only one theatre in Dallas that does Midnight Showing of Rocky Horror, and that's the Angelika Film Center. (yes, the Angelika is spelled with the 'k') They've got a website, but I'm not sure about the Address. If you're too far from Dallas then don't sweat. Just look around your area for a theatre that shows Foreign or Art films, or ask around. I'm sure you'll find a place. And if you don't then I smell a road trip coming on.  
  
*****  
  
Chapter twenty: THAT was an overshare  
  
*****  
  
"So how exactly does one play "I have never'" Sirius inquired sitting cross legged on the floor. Ginny and Hermione, who had been sitting across from him at the time, let out small shrieks and scrambled for different places to sit.  
  
"Well, we're going to play 'Strip I Have Never' so the rules are a bit different," Dee replied, shooting an amused glance at the girls who were murmuring dazedly about their eyes no longer being virgin. "This game involves sharing all your dirty secrets and getting near naked."  
  
"Is that really necessary?" Snape interrupted. "Some of us are very nearly naked, and if I have to see Black take of one more article of those things he's wearing I swear by Merlin I shall gauge my own eyes out with a spoon."  
  
"Why a spoon? Why not a knife?" Neville asked.  
  
"Because it's dull, you twit. It'll hurt more!" Snape snapped back.  
  
"Well, it could be worse." Dee reasoned. "We could go out and play strip padiddle."  
  
"What in the sodding blazes is strip padiddle?"  
  
"Well, that involves going out and finding car with busted headlights and getting near naked in the close confines of a car.'  
  
"Blimey! Can we play that instead!?"  
  
"Nah. No time. You need a whole afternoon. Plus, there aren't that many cars out this time of night."  
  
You still have not answered my question.  
  
"Well, I'll go first, and then you'll get the general idea. Anyone who has done the thing I name must throw an article of clothing into the middle of the floor. We all clear? Yes. Good. Let's begin. I have never..er...um...well..let's see here..um.HA! I got it! I have never..wait, no...Hermione' why don't you go first."  
  
General sniggers followed, which Dee quelled with an imperious glare, looking very like McGonagle in the process. Hermione giggles and thought for a but before declaring, "I have never given a guy a hand job while a relative was in the same room."  
  
Ginny's pristine while maid's apron fluttered to the floor conspicuously. Harry turned very red and Ron turned all sorts of interesting colors before finally passing out. Everyone else in the room could only stare in shock.  
  
"what?" Ginny asked innocently. "Harry and I were fooling around in the common room one night when Ron burst in, so I ducked under the table where he wouldn't see me. Didn't see any reason not to finish what I started, so I kept at it."  
  
"that was possible the most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Remus said. A horribly awkward silence followed, which went unbroken until Harry cleared his throat, and said loudly, "um, yeah. I've never made out with another guy before."  
  
Remus' shoe, and Sirius's hair clip joined Ginny's apron on the floor. When everyone turned to look a them, Remus replied, "Drunk. I was very drunk. And besides, it was a long time ago."  
  
"You fucking prat!" Sirius exclaimed playfully. "It was last week!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Yes it was, don't' try do deny it. You love me, admit it!"  
  
"shut it, Hound dog"  
  
"Admit it, you loooooooooove the cock!"  
  
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass" Dee said in a conversational tone. Everyone turned to stare at her, completely thunderstruck. "True story, " Dee continued, nodding merrily, like some deranged bobble head doll. "He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall, and he's buying ANOTHER cat. So I says to him, 'Jesus Walt, what re you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck in your as too, why don't you knock I off?" and he said to me, 'Dorie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a weird guy."  
  
While everyone was busy gawking at Dee, Snape stealthily crept forward and tried to deposit one of his earrings in the pile before anyone could notice. He would have managed it, had Draco not turned around and seen him. Draco let out an odd choked yelp and pointed frantically. Everyone else immediately pivoted to view Snape leaning forward and exposing quite a bit of chest in his efforts.  
  
"HA! In flagrante, man!" Dee jumped up and did a crazy little dance while Snape shrugged with apparent nonchalance and pitched the earring into the pile.  
  
"Holy crap! You kissed a man?!" Cho exclaimed, laughing riotously.  
  
"Kindly stop butchering the Latin tongue, Miss Dorie. The language that survived the fall of the roman and empire is now meeting its grisly death at your hands."  
  
"Quit trying to distract us and dish out the dirt, man!"  
  
"Well it's not something I'm extremely proud of," Snape remarked testily.  
  
"Hell, I'm surprised you've kissed anything at all" Ginny threw in snidely.  
  
Snape's eyes blazed for a moment before he grabbed Ginny and planted one right on her lips. The kiss went on for a full minute, before Snape finally tore Ginny's lips away from her and set her unsteadily on her feet.  
  
"well?" de asked expectantly.  
  
"Well what? " Ginny said, more than slightly dazed.  
  
"does he have strong lips?" She replied, eagerly.  
  
"how can you tell." Draco asked.  
  
"did you feel it in your knees?"  
  
"I felt it everywhere!" Ginny exclaimed.  
  
"Strong lips." De said firmly.  
  
Hermione let out a triumphant whoop and spent the rest of the evening looking like a cat that had eaten a twenty-pound canary.  
  
"Mione, prod Ron awake. It's his turn." A few minutes and several wet globs of toilet paper later, Ron was awake and very wet. After a moment's thought he said, "I have never seen a woman naked." Everyone save Ron and Neville threw in a piece of jewelry.  
  
"All this time, and you haven't seen a woman naked?" Remus exclaimed, unbelievingly.  
  
"look at us. 'Snot not like were the two most dead handsome blokes on the planet." Neville replied in a matter of fact tone. "We'd be lucky if we EVER saw a woman naked."  
  
"What, wizards don't make porn?" Dorie asked.  
  
"You never used the war line on some girl?"  
  
"War line?" Ron and Neville asked in unison.  
  
"Yeah, you know. The war line." After receiving more blank stares, Sirius grabbed Cho, looked deep into her eyes, and said, "the whole world is at war, and I'm right on the front lines. I may die tomorrow, but I know that if I get to be with you tonight then I shall truly die a happy man." After setting Cho back in her place, Sirius turned to Ron and Neville and said, "THAT is the war line."  
  
"That actually worked?" Draco asked, his voice filled with skepticism.  
  
"Many a time, with many a lady. Remember that stint in the hospital midway through the war? Well, that wasn't a bad hex like I said it was. It was actually the clap."  
  
"That is the grossest thing I've ever heard." Cho said, turning a bit green.  
  
"You're telling me! Poppy had to stick her wand up my-" Sirius was about to do some rather explicit had gestures, when Dee threw herself onto the floor, sobbing loudly. "STOP! Oh, god stop!"  
  
"What? Why?" Sirius paused, mid-explicit gesture.  
  
"If the wizards test for syphilis anything like the muggle one then I don't want to hear."  
  
"What's the muggle test?" Everyone asked.  
  
"They stick a pipe cleaner up your urethra."  
  
There was silence for a moment while everyone processed this information. "what's a pipe cleaner?" Cho wondered aloud.  
  
"It's like a fuzzy bit of wire."  
  
"alright, then what's a urethra?"  
  
"It's the thing in boys that caries pee-pee from the bladder to the outside world."  
  
"you mean the-"  
  
"Yes."  
  
A horrified silence followed, all the males in the room let out odd high pitched noises that sounded suspiciously like crying and cupped their crotches in a protective manner.  
  
"Serves you right for being a whore monger Sirius." Snape laughed gleefully.  
  
"Hey! A man needs a little bit of comfort every now and then." Sirius said, a tad bit defensive.  
  
"Yes, and that bit of comfort you had almost lead you the way of madness and decay."  
  
"what?"  
  
"Syphilis. It causes brain damage and cancer. Madness and decay."  
  
"Alright, I get it. Can we continue with the game?"  
  
"Ginny?"  
  
"I've never had the hots for someone of the same gender as me."  
  
Cho's shoe hit the floor with a thud. Closely followed by Hermione's stocking and Dee's rainbow shoelace. Sirius' left earring was next.  
  
"So, whose your guilty pleasure then?"  
  
"Tori Amos." Hermione admitted.  
  
"Angelina Jolie." Cho declared.  
  
George Michael was Sirius's choice.  
  
"you had a Crush on WHAM!?"  
  
"George Michael was not the only member of WHAM."  
  
"He was the only one that counted, and the only one anyone ever remembers."  
  
"did you throw a party when he got caught doing it with a cop in the bathroom?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Don't answer that, please." Harry interrupted his godfather. "I'd like to keep a halfway sane image of you."  
  
Hermione began to hum under her breath, "Wake me up, before you go-go.."  
  
"Dee?"  
  
"Audrey Hepburn"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes! Isn't she just a classic beauty! I love her!"  
  
"Roman holiday was one of the greatest films ever made."  
  
"Wasn't it just?!"  
  
A loud 'thunk' interrupted Dee's gushing. Everyone turned to see Harry's now-naked toes wiggling guiltily, while his shoe sat in the growing pile of clothing.  
  
"Sid Vicious." Was all he said.  
  
Dee studied him for a moment before patting him heartily on the back. "Aaaawwright! I knew there was a reason I liked you so much!"  
  
*****  
  
end of chapter 20  
  
*****  
  
There are three movie references so far. One hundred points and an unlimited amount of chocolate frogs to the person that can get them all. I'll give you hints. One is a film co-starring Alan Rickman. I will be so incredibly disappointed in ALL of you if you don't get that one. Another reference is from a Kevin Smith film. (I know I already have too many, but I don't actually think it's possible to have too many, so nevermind." And the last one is from a John Hughes film made in the '80's. good luck. Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be Kind. Review. 


	20. Naked Men in Car Parks and Why we Love t...

I managed to get this done, lord only knows how. I'll write some more as soon as I can, but enjoy this little bit for now.  
  
******  
  
Naked man in Car Parks  
  
******  
  
"Hey, Cho, your turn." Dee said.  
  
"Regardless of what may be written on the bathroom walls, I have not slept with anyone of the same gender." Cha announced, blushing very red.  
  
After a few sniggers, Remus and Sirius both got a bit more naked. After a few puzzled stares Remus exclaimed, "Not with each other!"  
  
"Suuuuuuuure."  
  
Snape threw in a shoe.  
  
"What?!" Came the surprised yelps.  
  
"Again, I'm surprised he's slept with anyone at all" Ginny said in an amused voice.  
  
"Is that a cunning ploy to get Snape to shag you, Ginny?" Draco teased.  
  
"Maybe." Ginny admitted craftily. "Hell, if he kissed that good I want to know what the rest of it's like."  
  
"You couldn't get any chicks, so you took up the other side, eh? Really, Severus, what poor male did you inflict yourself upon." Sirius remarked snidely. Although he and Snape got along much better these days, old habits were hard to break, and some opportunities were too great to pass up.  
  
"Sirius, that's not fair!" Exclaimed Hermione angrily. "You just admitted you've slept with a man, and no one said anything about that. Why must you say something when Professor Snape admits to the same thing!"  
  
"Because I honestly don't believe he could have gotten anyone in bed, let alone a man, without a terrific struggle or some sort of heavy sedation. Hell, he probably raped the poor man!"  
  
"Sirius! That's enough!" Remus shouted, grabbing Sirius roughly by the shoulder, and giving him a shake.  
  
"He's right," Snape whispered and looked stonily at the floor. Everyone stopped dead and turned to Snape. When he spoke again, his voice was cold and flat and dead. "Dark Revel."  
  
There was a tense awkward silence as the meaning of Snape's words sunk in. Suddenly Dee jumped up and exclaimed in a cheerful, false tone, "Oh, look at that! The film's over. Time to go."  
  
"But we haven't finished playing yet!" Neville, who was a bit slow on the uptake, complained.  
  
"We'll finish next time, ducky," Dee consoled, "I'll come visit you over in England and we'll play Kevin Smith Drinking Games."  
  
"Eh?" Came the puzzled reply.  
  
"Kevin Smith. Dead hilarious filmmaker. There are drinking games for all of his movies. I'll bring one over when I visit and we'll get bloody plastered! It'll be hella great fun! Now come on, let's get dressed."  
  
The group sorted out their belongings and after getting all of the proper articles of clothing onto all of the proper body parts, they headed out to the lobby to meet up with Dumbledore and McGonagle.  
  
"So, how did it go?" Remus asked a frowning McGonagle.  
  
"Bad. Very bad."  
  
"Honestly, Minerva. I thought it was quite delightful." Dumbledore protested, patting her lightly on the arm.  
  
"Albus, Neville was eaten for dinner, and we have to have group sex in a swimming pool." Snapped McGonagle, shaking his arm off agitatedly.  
  
"Really! That sounds great!" Draco exclaimed.  
  
"Oi!" Neville protested.  
  
"Yea, Draco! Have some decency! Group sex with Dumbledore and Snape involved sounds great to you?! My God, man! How desperate are you, really?!" Ginny asked in mock horrified tones.  
  
Draco pondered this for a minute before turning a bit green. "Um, Never mind."  
  
"So where to now?" Harry asked Dee as they trooped across the deserted parking lot of the theatre.  
  
"Home. Yous Guyses to yours, and me to mine."  
  
"What?! Already!?" Everyone but the adults complained.  
  
"'Yous Guyses? Are those even words?" Remus asked.  
  
"I'm very sorry dears, but we must go home. We've been gone quite a while now. We can portkey from here if no one has any objections." Dumbledore said, producing a battered looking rag from his pocket.  
  
"Well, I'll see yous guys later." Dee waved as she headed for her ancient Bug Bus.  
  
"Dee, come with us!" Ginny implored, throwing her arms around the other girl. "It'll be great! We'll have so much fun, and you can stay with us at the castle!"  
  
"Oh, I'll be at Hogwarts in a few days. I think you'll live until then." Dee said, patting Ginny's back.  
  
"What?! Why?!" Snape did a double take. A moment ago, he had been nearly delirious with joy with the knowledge that he could get out of this godforsaken dress and he could put this whole ruddy evening behind him. Now he came to find out that this whole bloody evening was about to follow him home.  
  
Sensing his displeasure, Dee began to bait him. "Dumbledore's made me director." Dee sang as she danced in circles around him.  
  
"For god's Sake, Albus! Why on earth would you do a thing like that!"  
  
"Well, it's not as if Hogwarts has anyone that's as brimful of Rocky knowledge as me. Who better?"  
  
"Just about anyone on this bloody godforsaken planet, that's who!"  
  
"Face it, man. You're stuck with me for the next six months."  
  
The following events happened in the space of a few seconds:  
  
Snape snarled and lunged for Dee's throat. Hermione, and Cho screamed, while Remus and Sirius dashed forward to stop him. Dorie smiled serenely and sidestepped Snape, matador style , and tapped him lightly on the head with a slender, dark wand she had apparently conjured out of thin air, because it sure as hell wasn't there before.  
  
And so it was that Severus Snape found himself standing in the parking lot of a theatre bare-ass naked except for a tiny black thong.  
  
Harry, Ron and Neville immediately began to claw out their eyes, screaming about burning and mind-rape. Cho, Ginny, Professor McGonagle and Hermione were enjoying the view and assessing the goods.  
  
"Wow. Great abs." Cho admirered.  
  
"Holy crap, check out those guns." Ginny commented.  
  
"Impressive I'll admit, though he could stand some sunlight. Look at that skin. He's practically glowing, he's so pale!" McGonagle could never give a complement graciously.  
  
"My god! That bulge is the size of Manhattan!" Hermione exclaimed, practically drooling. Remus and Sirius were laughing too hard to actually formulate words, and Dorie looked as if she were about to burst with pride.  
  
"I have officially lost all faith in any sort of higher deity." Snape commented, trying desperately to keep his privates private  
  
"I think he's suffered enough, Miss Dorie. Return out Potions Master's clothing, if you please." Dumbledore chuckled.  
  
Dorie pouted for a second, before carelessly waving a hand in Snape's general direction. Snape's heavy black teaching robes appeared just as suddenly as his previous clothing had vanished. He was instantly floored by the effects of killer humidity on a wool clothed body. "I don't care what anyone anyone says, wool does NOT breathe." Snape's voice floated up from his prone position on the warm asphalt of the parking lot.  
  
"You're a witch!?" Everyone exclaimed at Dorie.  
  
"Born and bred. Well, the born part anyway. Raised muggle." Dee shrugged a shoulder and smiled at them.  
  
"Why didn't tell us?" Ron demanded.  
  
"You didn't ask. And besides, s'not that big a deal."  
  
"Yes it is a big deal! It's a very big deal!!" Ron exclaimed, waving his arms about wildly  
  
"I'm going to pretend you're not being a ginormous ass." Dorie remarked, trying very hard to ignore the fact that Ron was being really rude.  
  
"Honestly! How can you stand to live like a muggle? They're so slow! They don't even have chocolate frogs!" Ron kept talking, Hermione and Harry were trying to shush him, but Ron was impervious to their distractions.  
  
"Because chocolate frogs are not the most important things in this world." Dorie had turned her back on Ron at this point, and was walking away before she could be tempted to hurt him too badly. Ron was oblivious to her subtle way of telling him to shut it, so he followed her, still shouting, "Being a wizard is better than being a muggle in so many ways!"  
  
Dorie's eyes slitted menacingly and suddenly Ron was even more naked than Snape had been. The girls started clawing their eyes out, and screaming about burning and mind-rape while everyone else just laughed.  
  
"Um..truce?" Ron croaked.  
  
Dorie shrugged, and then winked saucily at him. Ron's clothing was instantly restored to his body.  
  
"Oh, thank God!" Draco exclaimed.  
  
"Oi! Wos that supposed to mean?" Ron shouted indignantly.  
  
"Serves you right, Ron! Going, on like that like a complete arse! Have I taught you nothing?!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Well, obviously not, Hermione, otherwise he wouldn't have been standing bare-arse naked in a car park." Cho snapped back sarcastically.  
  
"And I thought Snape was pale.." Draco said, making a mild effort to keep from laughing.  
  
"Oi! That's going a bit far, that is!" Ron cried.  
  
"No it's not! S'fact!" Draco yelled back.  
  
"Honestly, I would rather everyone not stand here and compare my naked body to that of Mr. Weasley:" Snape said rather waspishly, as he gathered his cloak about him and tried not to faint in the ninety degree heat.  
  
"Good point. It's a bit insulting, isn't it?" Hermione wondered aloud.  
  
"And wots that s'posed to mean?" Ron was getting incredibly pissy at this point, and everyone was trying pretty hard to make him feel worse.  
  
"Children, it is almost time to portkey. I suggest we all prepare ourselves at once. Miss Dorie, is it safe to assume we will be relishing your presence in the near future?"  
  
"Sure. Just gimme a few days to get things straightened out, and I'll make my way over to your side of the pond. I'll owl scripts within the week and I expect to have at least half of your lines learned by the time I arrive." Dee circled around them, looking for all the world like a drill Sargent out of a bad Vietnam war movie.  
  
"Christ almighty, Professor! You've hired Attila the Hun!"  
  
"Oh, no. I'm much worse."  
  
*****  
  
Here it is. More will follow as soon as I am able. Here's some great moies to watch: Requiem For A Dream and Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. Good films the both of them. All about drugs, but in completely different aspects. Requiem is soooo ultra sad, and I completely fell in love with Jared Leto in this flick. That movie is the best anti-drug ad I have EVER seen. And Fear and Loathing is just Johnny Depp going crazy on LSD in the Early seventies, which is always good fun. Thank you and enjoy the show.  
  
Be kind. Review. 


End file.
